Dear Kanye…..

Scrolling through Facebook today, I saw a headline with your name in it. Yes, I normally scroll right past these “news” articles, but for some reason this
one caught my eye. And my resulting emotions have me penning this letter to you. On my blog.

I was sorry to hear about your “money woes” that have apparently gotten so bad that you’ve shamelessly reached out to Mark Zuckerberg to float you some cash. I really am sad you are in this position.

Sad that you think you really need to “borrow” (I’m just assuming you are just a level one d-bag that would eventually pay him back) money to help you out of a supposed hole. And just so we are clear, the “d” does not stand for dime. πŸ˜›

Never mind that in the real America, not the one that is in your head, there are people with real problems. Some of my relatives are currently jobless due to chronic illness and have fought and scraped for everything they have. Oh, and even though they have more selflessness than you possess in your little finger, they are in danger of losing their house.

While we are on the subject of your “need,” I have a few pointers for staying out of debt (although to be completely transparent, we still are in debt but are actively working to dig ourselves out without relying on a bajillion-aire) and just over-all being a better person:

1. STOP buying *hit you can’t afford. I realize you really think you need all those diamond-encrusted toothbrushes, but I can tell you, you’ll do just fine with the regular toothbrushes found at your regular grocery store. That’s the place with all the food and stuff us regular people go to on a weekly basis to buy things we need. Notice the word “need” is not in quotes. There is a difference. Learn it.

When your finances are under control:

2. Give to others before asking others to give to you. That Guy who you blaspemously titled your last album after was an expert at this. You should read His book, it’s pretty good.

3. Learn humility. I understand this one is hard for most everyone. But remember that great Book I told you about? In there you will find a step-by-step guide.

4. Give back to your community. In contrast to the purchase of ridiculous items such as diamond-encrusted toothbrushes and hover-boards that can go from 0-60mph in 10-seconds flat, using your money to improve the lives of others will give you favorable headlines in the news. Yes, people will be shocked about how good of a person you actually are, but will eventually get used to it. Look at what happened to Angelina Jolie.

So, fund the local elementary school’s music program and donate money to spruce up that neighborhood park that kids have to bring their own sand to because the sandbox is empty. Help make the phrase, “Mom, I wanna be like Kanye” be a goal to be attained, not a cautionary tale.

5. After marketing your next “must-have” product, give all the profits to charity. Lord knows that the purchase price of most of your “branding” deals are hefty enough to fund the education of most of the kids in a 3rd-world country. Think of the children, Mr.West.

This list is just the beginning. Use it to turn over a new leaf and actually become a role-model any parent can be proud of.



7 thoughts on “Dear Kanye…..

  1. This. Is. Brilliant! I completely appreciate this and how beautifully clever it was! My family is in some extremely difficult financial times right now, so I am able to fully understand the gravity of this subject and the Douchiness of Kanye. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

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