Dear Kanye…..


Scrolling through Facebook today, I saw a headline with your name in it. Yes, I normally scroll right past these “news” articles, but for some reason this
one caught my eye. And my resulting emotions have me penning this letter to you. On my blog.

I was sorry to hear about your “money woes” that have apparently gotten so bad that you’ve shamelessly reached out to Mark Zuckerberg to float you some cash. I really am sad you are in this position.

Sad that you think you really need to “borrow” (I’m just assuming you are just a level one d-bag that would eventually pay him back) money to help you out of a supposed hole. And just so we are clear, the “d” does not stand for dime. 😛

Never mind that in the real America, not the one that is in your head, there are people with real problems. Some of my relatives are currently jobless due to chronic illness and have fought and scraped for everything they have. Oh, and even though they have more selflessness than you possess in your little finger, they are in danger of losing their house.

While we are on the subject of your “need,” I have a few pointers for staying out of debt (although to be completely transparent, we still are in debt but are actively working to dig ourselves out without relying on a bajillion-aire) and just over-all being a better person:

1. STOP buying *hit you can’t afford. I realize you really think you need all those diamond-encrusted toothbrushes, but I can tell you, you’ll do just fine with the regular toothbrushes found at your regular grocery store. That’s the place with all the food and stuff us regular people go to on a weekly basis to buy things we need. Notice the word “need” is not in quotes. There is a difference. Learn it.

When your finances are under control:

2. Give to others before asking others to give to you. That Guy who you blaspemously titled your last album after was an expert at this. You should read His book, it’s pretty good.

3. Learn humility. I understand this one is hard for most everyone. But remember that great Book I told you about? In there you will find a step-by-step guide.

4. Give back to your community. In contrast to the purchase of ridiculous items such as diamond-encrusted toothbrushes and hover-boards that can go from 0-60mph in 10-seconds flat, using your money to improve the lives of others will give you favorable headlines in the news. Yes, people will be shocked about how good of a person you actually are, but will eventually get used to it. Look at what happened to Angelina Jolie.

So, fund the local elementary school’s music program and donate money to spruce up that neighborhood park that kids have to bring their own sand to because the sandbox is empty. Help make the phrase, “Mom, I wanna be like Kanye” be a goal to be attained, not a cautionary tale.

5. After marketing your next “must-have” product, give all the profits to charity. Lord knows that the purchase price of most of your “branding” deals are hefty enough to fund the education of most of the kids in a 3rd-world country. Think of the children, Mr.West.

This list is just the beginning. Use it to turn over a new leaf and actually become a role-model any parent can be proud of.

Cheers!

 

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Dear Donald…..

I don’t even know where to begin. I know you probably won’t read this, and if you do I’ll probably be labeled a “loser,” but it has to be said. 

When you first voiced your intent to run for president of the United States, we all laughed. But it was that nervous laughter you do when someone suggests that they are gonna drink a gallon of milk in two minutes flat and then run a marathon without stopping to pee. You don’t believe them and don’t think it’s a great idea, but you kinda wanna stick around to see what happens.

The thing is, we are all shocked and amazed you are STILL IN IT. But unfortunately, it is in no way funny or entertaining anymore.

Dear Donald, it’s time we sat down for a serious talk. I know no one is ballsy enough to say this to your face, but you are like that one crazy relative that everyone comes to Thanksgiving dinner for, with the sole purpose of seeing what ridiculous thing will fly out of their mouth next. ThinkDrunk Uncle from SNL’s Weekend Update skit.

Now your views on women have been well known, so I’m not even gonna touch that one. What I wanted to specifically talk to you about is your latest stunt. Yes, I call it a stunt because it was a careless jumble of words and arm flailing that should have never happened. I want to address the Serge Kovaleski incident.

I don’t care if Mr. Kovaleski invented facts for his article concerning you. That’s besides the point (besides that theory has been debunked by numerous sources). The point is it is NEVER acceptable to mock someone’s physical disability. Now I’d understand if you were just mindlessly gesturing (I talk with my hands alot as well), but the fact that you used the SAME arm as where Kovaleski’s disability affects him, tells me that you had every intention of attempting to discredit his words by placing emphasis on his disability, alluding to the view that he shouldn’t be taken seriously because he’s disabled. That his work doesn’t matter. Despite the fact that he’s reported for 3 major news outlets during his illustrious career. Mr. Trump, can you spell Pulitzer? Because Kovaleski actually has one of those. Oh and this view that people with disabilities don’t have much to offer because of their disability? It’s a view that far too many people in this country already have and our community has suffered because of it.

If you truly didn’t mean to mock Mr. Kovaleski, the decent thing to do is apologize. What you don’t do is continue to attack the man you mocked by accusing him of grandstanding. By doing this, you are perpetuating the stereotype that those of us in the disabled community aren’t talented, hard workers with dreams of our own. As a public figure you have an opportunity to influence the world for good. We are still waiting for you to take it.

Finally Donald, we are tired. We are weary. We need to begin serious discussion of the issues that matter in this country. If you can’t participate in this way, with civility and decorum, please do us all a favor and drop out of the race. I’m sure you can find something else to do. I hear Bill Cosby lives nearby and could use a pinochle partner. It’s up to you.