The One Where Lulabelle Writes An e-Harmony Profile For King Henry VIII…….

For the past few weeks I’ve been on a British history kick, specifically learning about King Henry VIII. I’ve watched many documentaries about his life and the lives of each of his wives, including the circumstances surrounding his edicts that 2 of his wives be beheaded.

And right away, I know what you are thinking “Dang, this guy sounds like quite the catch.” #SoMuchSarcasm 😛

So it got me thinking: For a king as powerful as Henry VIII and the way news traveled back then, how was it that women kept marrying this guy knowing what happened to 25% of his betrothen? (Is betrothen a word? Eh, it should be.)

If Henry VIII had lived in modern times, I’m sure his e-Harmony profile would read as follows:

Looking For: Level-headed woman to sire my heir. Must enjoy irony and be flexible enough to weather through my many moods with grace and class, and pretend as though this is just normal life. Must have wide child-bearing hips.

Must not be ugly. Like, I probably won’t behead you solely for being ugly, but I will most likely force you into a divorce, make you move out and refer to you as my sister for the rest of my life. (Anne Of Cleves)

A perfect candidate for my wife would also have a steeply skewed view of biology and believe that she has everything to do with determining the gender of our future children. All babies must be boys.

My heir needs a spare, who needs a spare, who needs a spare.  

Hobbies: eating, jousting in disguise, eating some more, seeing the royal physician for my festering leg wound, composing music no one listens to anymore and…..eating. Oh, and drinking.

Religious Affiliation: I was raised Roman Catholic but I wanted to divorce my first wife (I had to as she kept having girls-*blech*), but the Pope wouldn’t grant it, so I said, “Oh screw it! I’m the king!” and made my own church *so I could grant my own divorce.

Musical Preference: I compose my own. But it uses a form of British English that is no longer in use so it’s a bit niche.

Favorite food: I enjoy meat. LOTS of meat. I also enjoy wine and beer and bread. I’m not a fan of vegetables, but enjoy fruit, specifically strawberries.

What is Your Idea of the Perfect Date: Well, before my festering leg wound opened up and became infected I did enjoy romantic walks on the beach, but that’s now out so my perfect date today would be a big dinner at home and music afterwards. After the music plays we’d talk about when we’d want to get married and what we’d name our sons.

What? Too much pressure?


*In my research, I discovered that the COE existed **kind of** before King Henry’s divorce. His decree just gave him power to supersede papal decisions. I think that’s how it went anyway. I was doing this research when I should have been in bed late last night. 😛

LAFF On Sunday: Accidental DIY’s…….

I have a question for those ladies that are um, well endowed in the chesticle region. Has the following ever happened to you? Picture it:

You just got out of the bathtub and while standing up to reach for something, you start to lose your balance. On instinct you bend your knees to try to rebalance yourself, but your knees start bending inward whilst at the same time your left boob, without forewarning, has dropped down BETWEEN YOUR KNEES!

Can you see where this is going?

Yes folks, it seems I just gave myself my first mammogram. At least it was free and I don’t need another one for at least another year.

Yay? 😛

Bonus LAFF on Saturday: It’s In The Bag-The One Where Lulabelle Reviews a New Cat Litter……..

I changed the cat litter yesterday and used a new to us litter. We aren’t partial to one brand over another, as long as it’s clumping and it’s on sale, we buy it. I didn’t think anything about it when I went into our cat litter room to change out the litter.

I immediately noticed that the new bag of unopened litter didn’t seem to have a resealable top. Annoyed, I grabbed a pair of scissors that I vowed never to use again for food and set about opening the bag.

The scissors broke. Apparently this brand of litter wants to make it so difficult to open the bag that people mistake it for a bag of plutonium and think long and hard before they purchase it.

Undeterred I took one side of the broken scissors and cut a slit in the end of the bag and broke it open. I scooped out each of the boxes and replaced the litter with clean. I then realized I wasn’t able to close the bag with anything, so I just propped it up against the wall closest to the entrance and went to bed.

This would prove to be a bad life choice.

I woke up late today and as I came into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, I happened to glance into the cat litter room…..and realized the error of my ways. The open bag of litter I had propped up against the wall nearest the entrance of the litter box room, was now on its side on the floor, litter spilling out over the entrance to the room.

Oops!

Apparently our furry Frick and Frack conspired together to knock over the bag of litter in the night whilst we slept. Not only had they knocked over the bag, but when it spilled out, they decided to um, “test-drive it” so to speak. To the point that some “out put” had landed IN. THE. BAG. 

Apparently we are raising over-achievers. I guess I should be proud. Or something.

So to sum up, if your life-long dream is to make cat litter, please make sure it comes in a resealable container. Especially if you have your own furry Frick and Frack.

Bloggertunities: A Blogger’s Sincere Apology…….

I’ve been blogging for over two years and in that time I’ve learned that sometimes there are consequences for writing about certain things. You get criticism and you just have to take it, let it roll off your back and move on with your life.

But sometimes those consequences are farther reaching than you had intended and it really makes you think about the content  you put out. Two years ago I wrote a blog that, looking back on it now, I regret. I threw shade at a situation that I shouldn’t have and the parties involved have now read that blog, reached out to me and made it clear that it’s up to me to make amends. So here it goes……….

Dear fruit flies:

I’m sorry I wrote you that public break-up letter two years ago. Now, I’m only linking that original post with this one as a point of reference for my subscribers and not to further drag you down. I know now that I should have taken down the blog and issued this apology. They say that hindsight is 20/20 and if I had known we’d go through what we’ve gone through in the last 4 days because of what I wrote 2 years ago, I never would have posted that blog.

I know now that if I hadn’t written that last blog:

1. You wouldn’t have piled onto our litter boxes, causing our oldest cat to decide she doesn’t want to use the litter box, because the bedroom carpet does just fine.

It doesn’t.

2. I would have WAY less of an audience when I pee.

3. We wouldn’t have to replace our toothbrushes EVERY. TIME. WE. BRUSH. (Not because fruit-flies harbor any sort of disease or anything when they land on our toothbrushes, we are just that paranoid.)*

4. I wouldn’t have had fruit-flies buzzing around my face and almost getting stuck in my white tea-citrus peel-off mask (I was feeling fancy and they had $1 samples at Walmart.)

5. I wouldn’t have had a fruit fly take up residence in my left ear and refuse to leave. I’m hoping it will at least start paying rent. Stay tuned.

6. I wouldn’t be able to watch Riley dance and prance around playing with fruit flies that aren’t visible to the naked eye when they are flying around the room. (Ok, to be honest, this one is pretty entertaining to watch.)

7. We would be able to eat a meal in a reasonable time frame instead of taking 5 times longer because of waving off fruit flies. But on the other hand I guess this does aid in digestion so, thanks?

8. Chad wouldn’t have developed a permanent speech impediment (actually this one is probably more his fault because as a joke he likes to switch the first letters of words to the end of the word and say it wrong and he’s done it for so long that some words are now permanently backwards. 😛 )

Oh screw it! You know what? I’m NOT sorry, can’t live this way anymore and next yearstarting on June 1st, I’m pouring bleach and boiling hot water down ALL our drains every two weeks. In other words……

“GET OFF MY LAWN!!”

*Ok, we don’t actually replace them every time, we just think about it. A LOT.

LAFF On Wednesday: Pore-Pourri……..

I discovered something new several nights ago that has opened up a whole new world to me and I’m SO excited about it.

Guys, did you know that charcoal pore strips on your nose can get out literally *YEARS of build-up (that is if you’ve never used one before and just wash your face normally)?

Yeah. I’m officially obsessed.

To the point where after last night’s success, I focused on another area of my face that I wish was a bit smoother and hair free……my upper lip mustache.

Now if you didn’t know, a pore strip is like an industrial strength Band-Aid that you apply to your nose and leave on for 10-15 minutes and peel away. In that time it sucks out blackheads, dirt and impurities to give you a smoother, cleaner appearance. If you have particularly oily skin and haven’t used one in a while, you may end up losing weight in the process.

Seriously. 😉

So back to my thought process. The pore strip worked SO well on my nose I decided to give it a whirl on my upper lip mustache.

And if you are a longtime reader of mine you know why I’m blogging the experience…..

It didn’t go well. 😛

Now in the defense of the knock-off Biore brand of pore strip in question, the strip never claims to remove unwanted hair. I just assumed that if it managed to successfully grab out gunk from deep within your pore, taking out unwanted hair wouldn’t be that much of a stretch. I mean, since it’s already down by the root of the hair anyway it might as well grab it and yank it out on the way back up the pore.

Not doing so is kinda irresponsible if you really think about it.

So what exactly happened? Well, take a look:

lulabelle pore strip fail

Now I know you can’t see it in the picture above, but the pore strip DID NOT remove any of my mustache hair but instead DYED. IT. BLACK.

Now I like Charlie Chaplin as much as the next guy, but I don’t necessarily want to look like him. My general beauty routine is to make my mustache not as visible. I never try to highlight it. But maybe this could be a new trend. Women accentuating their mustache.

I suppose if men have started wearing man buns and rompers in pastel colors (you do you, boo) women can stop minimizing their mustache hair. Maybe the next big thing will be unicorn mustache hair where the person dyes their upper lip hair pastel colors and throws some glitter on it for good measure.

Now that’s a trend I could get behind. 😛

*Ok, so technically the box says the strip only takes out a few weeks of gunk, but I’ve never done it before so I’m SURE it took out WAY more than the package described. Seriously, you can’t convince me otherwise.

**Disclaimer–Don’t try this at home, kids. The back of the box says to not use on anything other than your nose and we all know how I tend to test “directions” and throw them out the window. That is how the “Lulabelle Cooks Without a Net” series got started. I just wanted to throw that out there in case someone tries this and it doesn’t go well and they end up trying to **sue me for planting bad life choice ideas into their heads.

**At least wait until my blog has generated SOME income. 😛

****PS: When using a pore strip on your nose, make sure you leave it on at least 10 minutes until it dries. Otherwise, this could happen. This PSA has not been sponsored. I just wanted to perform a public service. Your welcome. 😀 (Also do this when you are near a working clock 😉 )

The Answer and My List……

Tonight I watched a birth vlog of a Youtuber that I follow. And I’m not gonna lie. I had a twinge of jealousy.

Jealousy over the fact that I’ll never know what it is like to stare into the eyes of someone who has Chad’s and my DNA.

Jealous that Chad and I won’t have little “us’s” running around.

And then I remembered that, unlike many infertile couples for whom adoption isn’t an option, we have been given a gift.

A few months ago God spoke to us and actually told us why He chose us to remain childless.

We were given an answer.

And even to this day I cherish that. But I am not sure how to feel about it because I know SO many couples and women who long to become parents to humans, and for whatever reason it never happens.

And they never discover the why.

And so I was torn about whether or not I should even write this. Because the last thing I want to do is rub salt on other’s wounds that we have an answer and they don’t.

But in the spirit of encouraging others that there is light after the darkness of childlessness, I am sharing our story of getting an answer.

Our answer was two-fold.

Firstly, the Lord laid it upon our hearts to release our time, finances, and other resources to bless those around us who need help. To ease their burdens.

And finally He asked me to make a list of parents, specifically those who are single. Every day I am to go over each name and pray for them. Recognizing that spiritual support is an integral part of parenting and the more prayer a parent can get the better.

So that is the story of our answer. And I hope our story gave you hope and encouragement.

Cheers!

LAFF: Snippets of Life……

It’s been what, a month since I’ve blogged? Ah, so much has happened on Walton’s mountain (except our last name isn’t Walton, I just miss that show 😉 ). Let me just give you a few snapshots of what’s been going down. I’ll probably flesh some of these out in future blogs…..if I ever get enough time to get around to it. 😉

  1. Riley experienced his first crush. Followed by his first heartbreak.
  2. I increased my working hours per day and just completed my first 30-hr a week work week ever. This is probably the biggest reason why I haven’t blogged in about a month.
  3. Our 1 yr-old niece (best friends’ baby) said Chad’s name for the first time this week. The fact that she kept saying it as she stuck her finger in her nose was not at all coincidental. 😀 We have therefore Christened him Uncle Booger.
  4. Said niece also said my name. Without mining for nose gold.  (This part did disappoint me ever so slightly. 😛 )
  5. I woke up this evening with a GIANT pimple on my forehead. Stay tuned to see if it turns into a unicorn horn. #FingersCrossed And finally……
  6. Due to stress and the genetic lottery I won 37 years ago, It seems I have been rendered lactose intolerant. #YayBiology 😛 #Sarcasm #DairyWasMyFreakinLife

So that is what life has been like the last month. Write a comment below about what you think will happen to us in the next month. 😀

Cheers!