The One Where Lulabelle Writes An e-Harmony Profile For King Henry VIII…….

For the past few weeks I’ve been on a British history kick, specifically learning about King Henry VIII. I’ve watched many documentaries about his life and the lives of each of his wives, including the circumstances surrounding his edicts that 2 of his wives be beheaded.

And right away, I know what you are thinking “Dang, this guy sounds like quite the catch.” #SoMuchSarcasm 😛

So it got me thinking: For a king as powerful as Henry VIII and the way news traveled back then, how was it that women kept marrying this guy knowing what happened to 25% of his betrothen? (Is betrothen a word? Eh, it should be.)

If Henry VIII had lived in modern times, I’m sure his e-Harmony profile would read as follows:

Looking For: Level-headed woman to sire my heir. Must enjoy irony and be flexible enough to weather through my many moods with grace and class, and pretend as though this is just normal life. Must have wide child-bearing hips.

Must not be ugly. Like, I probably won’t behead you solely for being ugly, but I will most likely force you into a divorce, make you move out and refer to you as my sister for the rest of my life. (Anne Of Cleves)

A perfect candidate for my wife would also have a steeply skewed view of biology and believe that she has everything to do with determining the gender of our future children. All babies must be boys.

My heir needs a spare, who needs a spare, who needs a spare.  

Hobbies: eating, jousting in disguise, eating some more, seeing the royal physician for my festering leg wound, composing music no one listens to anymore and…..eating. Oh, and drinking.

Religious Affiliation: I was raised Roman Catholic but I wanted to divorce my first wife (I had to as she kept having girls-*blech*), but the Pope wouldn’t grant it, so I said, “Oh screw it! I’m the king!” and made my own church *so I could grant my own divorce.

Musical Preference: I compose my own. But it uses a form of British English that is no longer in use so it’s a bit niche.

Favorite food: I enjoy meat. LOTS of meat. I also enjoy wine and beer and bread. I’m not a fan of vegetables, but enjoy fruit, specifically strawberries.

What is Your Idea of the Perfect Date: Well, before my festering leg wound opened up and became infected I did enjoy romantic walks on the beach, but that’s now out so my perfect date today would be a big dinner at home and music afterwards. After the music plays we’d talk about when we’d want to get married and what we’d name our sons.

What? Too much pressure?

*In my research, I discovered that the COE existed **kind of** before King Henry’s divorce. His decree just gave him power to supersede papal decisions. I think that’s how it went anyway. I was doing this research when I should have been in bed late last night. 😛

LAFF On Sunday: Accidental DIY’s…….

I have a question for those ladies that are um, well endowed in the chesticle region. Has the following ever happened to you? Picture it:

You just got out of the bathtub and while standing up to reach for something, you start to lose your balance. On instinct you bend your knees to try to rebalance yourself, but your knees start bending inward whilst at the same time your left boob, without forewarning, has dropped down BETWEEN YOUR KNEES!

Can you see where this is going?

Yes folks, it seems I just gave myself my first mammogram. At least it was free and I don’t need another one for at least another year.

Yay? 😛