Dear Fruit Flies: It’s Not Me, It’s You……

I know what you’ll say, “But Lulabelle, we have a deal! This is the time of year that I come to your house and land on any available food surface. Living in the Midwest your whole life, you should be used to us by now!”

To that I say, ***wait, how do you spell the sound of blowing a raspberry??*** 😛

I’ve been sick the past few days and unfortunately this is the time you chose to descend on my house. Your letter of intent to come must have gotten lost in the mail. By the way, it’s not a fair deal if you come uninvited. Without even a good bottle of sangria for your hosts–didn’t your mamma teach you any manners??

What I also didn’t appreciate is that you brought along several of your free loading friends who’ve taken it upon themselves to take laps in my sink, mainly to their detriment. I found most of them belly up this morning. Their teeny tiny goggles still clinging to their teeny tiny free-loading heads. They were also sans swim trunks. Ewww. Trust me when I tell you finding a sink strewn with dead, naked fruit flies is not what you want to find when you go for your morning coffee. Which leads me to my next gripe.

Finding you in my coffee pot was unsettling to say the least. If you wanted coffee, all you had to do was ask. I probably wouldn’t have given it to you, but whatever. Although, while we are on the subject, I was quite impressed with the way you McGyver’ed your way into the pot. I still can’t find the tiny bungee cords you obviously deployed, but that part is still under investigation.

So after I cleaned out the sink, took out the trash and cleaned the coffee pot, it was frustrating to find you hiding…..in my shower. Seriously guys? This is just getting ridiculous! The water wasn’t even running. Ya’ll were just sitting in there, on the shampoo bottle, huddled…… WATCHING TV!! How the? Where in the?? There’s no outlets in there!!!

OK, I’m done. Ya’ll gotta leave. Now. Take your nasty old swim trunks, your teeny tiny goggles, your TV (seriously, how did you…?? Oh never mind) and GO!

If this notice goes unheeded, I’ll be forced to file a restraining order. You wanna swim in a hot tub of vinegar?? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Sincerely,
me

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