The One Where Lulabelle Writes An e-Harmony Profile For King Henry VIII…….

For the past few weeks I’ve been on a British history kick, specifically learning about King Henry VIII. I’ve watched many documentaries about his life and the lives of each of his wives, including the circumstances surrounding his edicts that 2 of his wives be beheaded.

And right away, I know what you are thinking “Dang, this guy sounds like quite the catch.” #SoMuchSarcasm 😛

So it got me thinking: For a king as powerful as Henry VIII and the way news traveled back then, how was it that women kept marrying this guy knowing what happened to 25% of his betrothen? (Is betrothen a word? Eh, it should be.)

If Henry VIII had lived in modern times, I’m sure his e-Harmony profile would read as follows:

Looking For: Level-headed woman to sire my heir. Must enjoy irony and be flexible enough to weather through my many moods with grace and class, and pretend as though this is just normal life. Must have wide child-bearing hips.

Must not be ugly. Like, I probably won’t behead you solely for being ugly, but I will most likely force you into a divorce, make you move out and refer to you as my sister for the rest of my life. (Anne Of Cleves)

A perfect candidate for my wife would also have a steeply skewed view of biology and believe that she has everything to do with determining the gender of our future children. All babies must be boys.

My heir needs a spare, who needs a spare, who needs a spare.  

Hobbies: eating, jousting in disguise, eating some more, seeing the royal physician for my festering leg wound, composing music no one listens to anymore and…..eating. Oh, and drinking.

Religious Affiliation: I was raised Roman Catholic but I wanted to divorce my first wife (I had to as she kept having girls-*blech*), but the Pope wouldn’t grant it, so I said, “Oh screw it! I’m the king!” and made my own church *so I could grant my own divorce.

Musical Preference: I compose my own. But it uses a form of British English that is no longer in use so it’s a bit niche.

Favorite food: I enjoy meat. LOTS of meat. I also enjoy wine and beer and bread. I’m not a fan of vegetables, but enjoy fruit, specifically strawberries.

What is Your Idea of the Perfect Date: Well, before my festering leg wound opened up and became infected I did enjoy romantic walks on the beach, but that’s now out so my perfect date today would be a big dinner at home and music afterwards. After the music plays we’d talk about when we’d want to get married and what we’d name our sons.

What? Too much pressure?


*In my research, I discovered that the COE existed **kind of** before King Henry’s divorce. His decree just gave him power to supersede papal decisions. I think that’s how it went anyway. I was doing this research when I should have been in bed late last night. 😛

LAFF On Sunday: Accidental DIY’s…….

I have a question for those ladies that are um, well endowed in the chesticle region. Has the following ever happened to you? Picture it:

You just got out of the bathtub and while standing up to reach for something, you start to lose your balance. On instinct you bend your knees to try to rebalance yourself, but your knees start bending inward whilst at the same time your left boob, without forewarning, has dropped down BETWEEN YOUR KNEES!

Can you see where this is going?

Yes folks, it seems I just gave myself my first mammogram. At least it was free and I don’t need another one for at least another year.

Yay? 😛

Bonus LAFF on Saturday: It’s In The Bag-The One Where Lulabelle Reviews a New Cat Litter……..

I changed the cat litter yesterday and used a new to us litter. We aren’t partial to one brand over another, as long as it’s clumping and it’s on sale, we buy it. I didn’t think anything about it when I went into our cat litter room to change out the litter.

I immediately noticed that the new bag of unopened litter didn’t seem to have a resealable top. Annoyed, I grabbed a pair of scissors that I vowed never to use again for food and set about opening the bag.

The scissors broke. Apparently this brand of litter wants to make it so difficult to open the bag that people mistake it for a bag of plutonium and think long and hard before they purchase it.

Undeterred I took one side of the broken scissors and cut a slit in the end of the bag and broke it open. I scooped out each of the boxes and replaced the litter with clean. I then realized I wasn’t able to close the bag with anything, so I just propped it up against the wall closest to the entrance and went to bed.

This would prove to be a bad life choice.

I woke up late today and as I came into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, I happened to glance into the cat litter room…..and realized the error of my ways. The open bag of litter I had propped up against the wall nearest the entrance of the litter box room, was now on its side on the floor, litter spilling out over the entrance to the room.

Oops!

Apparently our furry Frick and Frack conspired together to knock over the bag of litter in the night whilst we slept. Not only had they knocked over the bag, but when it spilled out, they decided to um, “test-drive it” so to speak. To the point that some “out put” had landed IN. THE. BAG. 

Apparently we are raising over-achievers. I guess I should be proud. Or something.

So to sum up, if your life-long dream is to make cat litter, please make sure it comes in a resealable container. Especially if you have your own furry Frick and Frack.

LAFF On Wednesday: Pore-Pourri……..

I discovered something new several nights ago that has opened up a whole new world to me and I’m SO excited about it.

Guys, did you know that charcoal pore strips on your nose can get out literally *YEARS of build-up (that is if you’ve never used one before and just wash your face normally)?

Yeah. I’m officially obsessed.

To the point where after last night’s success, I focused on another area of my face that I wish was a bit smoother and hair free……my upper lip mustache.

Now if you didn’t know, a pore strip is like an industrial strength Band-Aid that you apply to your nose and leave on for 10-15 minutes and peel away. In that time it sucks out blackheads, dirt and impurities to give you a smoother, cleaner appearance. If you have particularly oily skin and haven’t used one in a while, you may end up losing weight in the process.

Seriously. 😉

So back to my thought process. The pore strip worked SO well on my nose I decided to give it a whirl on my upper lip mustache.

And if you are a longtime reader of mine you know why I’m blogging the experience…..

It didn’t go well. 😛

Now in the defense of the knock-off Biore brand of pore strip in question, the strip never claims to remove unwanted hair. I just assumed that if it managed to successfully grab out gunk from deep within your pore, taking out unwanted hair wouldn’t be that much of a stretch. I mean, since it’s already down by the root of the hair anyway it might as well grab it and yank it out on the way back up the pore.

Not doing so is kinda irresponsible if you really think about it.

So what exactly happened? Well, take a look:

lulabelle pore strip fail

Now I know you can’t see it in the picture above, but the pore strip DID NOT remove any of my mustache hair but instead DYED. IT. BLACK.

Now I like Charlie Chaplin as much as the next guy, but I don’t necessarily want to look like him. My general beauty routine is to make my mustache not as visible. I never try to highlight it. But maybe this could be a new trend. Women accentuating their mustache.

I suppose if men have started wearing man buns and rompers in pastel colors (you do you, boo) women can stop minimizing their mustache hair. Maybe the next big thing will be unicorn mustache hair where the person dyes their upper lip hair pastel colors and throws some glitter on it for good measure.

Now that’s a trend I could get behind. 😛

*Ok, so technically the box says the strip only takes out a few weeks of gunk, but I’ve never done it before so I’m SURE it took out WAY more than the package described. Seriously, you can’t convince me otherwise.

**Disclaimer–Don’t try this at home, kids. The back of the box says to not use on anything other than your nose and we all know how I tend to test “directions” and throw them out the window. That is how the “Lulabelle Cooks Without a Net” series got started. I just wanted to throw that out there in case someone tries this and it doesn’t go well and they end up trying to **sue me for planting bad life choice ideas into their heads.

**At least wait until my blog has generated SOME income. 😛

****PS: When using a pore strip on your nose, make sure you leave it on at least 10 minutes until it dries. Otherwise, this could happen. This PSA has not been sponsored. I just wanted to perform a public service. Your welcome. 😀 (Also do this when you are near a working clock 😉 )

LAFF: Snippets of Life……

It’s been what, a month since I’ve blogged? Ah, so much has happened on Walton’s mountain (except our last name isn’t Walton, I just miss that show 😉 ). Let me just give you a few snapshots of what’s been going down. I’ll probably flesh some of these out in future blogs…..if I ever get enough time to get around to it. 😉

  1. Riley experienced his first crush. Followed by his first heartbreak.
  2. I increased my working hours per day and just completed my first 30-hr a week work week ever. This is probably the biggest reason why I haven’t blogged in about a month.
  3. Our 1 yr-old niece (best friends’ baby) said Chad’s name for the first time this week. The fact that she kept saying it as she stuck her finger in her nose was not at all coincidental. 😀 We have therefore Christened him Uncle Booger.
  4. Said niece also said my name. Without mining for nose gold.  (This part did disappoint me ever so slightly. 😛 )
  5. I woke up this evening with a GIANT pimple on my forehead. Stay tuned to see if it turns into a unicorn horn. #FingersCrossed And finally……
  6. Due to stress and the genetic lottery I won 37 years ago, It seems I have been rendered lactose intolerant. #YayBiology 😛 #Sarcasm #DairyWasMyFreakinLife

So that is what life has been like the last month. Write a comment below about what you think will happen to us in the next month. 😀

Cheers!

LAFF On Sunday: From A to B: The Art of DJ’ing (And Why I’m Not One…..)

Blogger’s note: The regularly scheduled post for today on the subject of April the Pregnant Giraffe has been postponed till next week because it was accidentally eaten by WordPress and it won’t spit it back up for me. #Rude!

I only hope she can hang on one more week! 😛


When I was in high school I decided I wanted to be a radio DJ. I was obsessed with listening to the radio (this was before social media and we needed something to do :-P) and my mom and I would listen to the radio every morning on the way to school.

I loved listening to the morning DJ’s and thought that would be a fun job. (Excluding the fact that at that time I was NOT a morning person and still am not. But at that point I figured I’d be more of a morning person when I became an adult.)

(I’m still waiting…..)

So I was excited to take a radio class in college. This class taught us about the history of radio and how to use all the equipment in the studio. As a bonus, each student had their own radio show block on the campus wide radio frequency.

This was the most exciting part for me. My radio DJ’ing dreams were about to come true and I planned to CRUSH IT!!

For the next few months I ran a 30-minute radio show once a week and LOVED it. Each week I became more confident in my DJ’ing abilities and more comfortable with the equipment.

The semester wore on and I continued my show.

One day after I returned to my on campus apartment after doing my show, I found a message on the whiteboard on my front door. It said the following:

“Listened to your show tonight. Great music, but I never heard you talk.”

Well, crap on a cracker, that’s not good!

Why?

Because my radio show was a mix of music with TALKING. I’d give you fun interesting facts about the world, and even held a campus wide trivia contest one night……which no one ever won because, well, apparently I suck at radio-ing.

So how in the world did I go months and months doing my show without realizing no one could hear me?? Simply this…….

I KEPT HITTING THE WRONG FREAKIN’BUTTON!!

Let me explain. At the time I was in college we weren’t entirely digital yet and had to use an old-school board to get our shows to air. The board came with two important buttons, one marked A, the other marked B.

Now we had learned what each button did, but I guess this information squeezed out of my brain when it came time to actually apply what I had apparently learned.

In my brain it went like this: Push A to start your show and B to end it. Because, you know, that’s the order they are in the alphabet so clearly this makes sense. Right?

WRONG-O!!

In reality, the A button stood for “Audition” or “push this button when you want to hear what you sound like in studio but no one else can hear it.” B meant “Broadcast” or “push this button if you want to allow people outside the studio to hear you!!”

Oops!

So that, dear readers, is why I am not a radio DJ and am instead a blogger.

Fewer buttons to push and not as much risk for public humiliation.

Or something. 😛

Cheers!

 

LAFF On Sunday: Sleep Deprivation and Porch Light Coffee…..

I’m sitting here on Sunday evening at our local Denny’s restaurant waiting for our business meeting to start regarding our new taxi cab business.

I’m in my pajamas.

It was a dare.

That I jumped on enthusiastically.

The weird thing is NO ONE is batting an eyelash. Seriously, I fit right in with the Sunday evening crowd.

Go figure.

I’m doing my Friday blog on Sunday because honestly, with this new job, things have gotten a bit crazy on our end. How crazy? Yeah, about that. We came home from a night out last week, got the keys out to open the front door and found this:

Porch Light Coffee

Yeah. We had a cup of to-go coffee stuck on top of our porch light. It was leftover from a business meeting we had 4 DAYS EARLIER. We came home that night and Chad’s hands were full, so he stuck his cup of to-go coffee on top of our porch light in order to have hands free to unlock the door.

And forgot to grab the coffee before he got into the door. And I know what you are thinking and yes, I DID think about drinking the coffee and doing a blog about it, but that particular porch light attracts most of the bugs we get on our porch, so I quickly decided that would have been a bad life choice.

Starting a business from scratch is hard work. It takes perseverance (which 9 times out of 10 includes sleep deprivation), persistance and drive. And lots of caffeine.

Just try to remember to take it off the porch light before you drink it. 😉

Cheers!