LAFF: Mowed Over…….

It’s been a rough week. I want to address what’s in the news lately, but today, I thought we should have a little diversion with a funny story about one of our first world problems. I hope this makes you smile. 


It’s that time again. With the warmer weather, it’s time to make sure your yard is mowed regularly and well-groomed.

Y’all, Chad and I have had the worst time getting someone to mow our grass and clip the hedges. We hired someone two years ago, but they quit last year. Because Chad has allergies and our yard is too small for a riding lawn mower (so I can’t do it), we realized quickly that our only option was to use a lawn service. So I started asking around and someone (who shall remain nameless because I don’t blame them one bit) contacted me with the name of a local, family-owned lawn care business.

Sound promising? Read on……

Now, in the beginning, I was pretty impressed. They answered my inquiry quickly and were able to accommodate our hectic schedule by agreeing to do the work on a day where other businesses were normally closed. On the first day they mowed, I told them that of course the grass needed to be mowed and the large weeds in the front and side of the house needed to be removed. Including that weed on the side of our house by our porch. I specifically remember telling them to remove the porch weed.

Remember that one? Yeah, the one that was so large we used it as a Christmas tree (from December to April as it turns out, but that’s neither here nor there). Honestly, it’s gotten SO much bigger since December that you hardly have to open the door the entire way to see it in its full glory. And yes I have tried plucking it out with my dainty hands and Goliath strength, but it’s passed the point at which tools wouldn’t be necessary.

We agree on a reasonable payment and the guy shows up to do the work. Now, this is where I made the mistake. After the first mowing session ended, I noticed the porch weed was still firmly cemented in the side yard. The guy told me that he’d get to it next time, he just didn’t have his lopper with him (I don’t know why this word sounds like a euphemism for something else. But there it is).

This was my mistake. I should have told him we couldn’t pay him till the job was done, but as this was our first go around, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I should have reread that first sentence in the above paragraph. Even when he was mowing the grass last week, I could have sworn I heard a weed eater whirring in the background.

So it was to my great surprise and annoyance that I saw the porch weed sitting, untouched, hugging the cool concrete when I opened the door after he had finished. He had knocked on the door so he could say he was finished and I could pay him. But the instant I saw the weed, I looked at him, nodded and gazed toward the weed and pointed. He said, “What?” as I kept eye contact and kept my finger pointed firmly toward the weed.

His eye follows my finger to the weed, he gasped, throws up his hands and says, “$#@%&#!, I forgot my lopper again! Text me and remind me for next time!”

“WHAAATT??!!”

So, um, I guess it’s on me that I thought just verbally telling you what needed to be done would be enough to actually DO what I’m paying you to do.

My bad.

So because you forgot to bring your loppers (Ok, is this a real thing or a tool from Who-ville?), I forgot how to do the math and am only paying you for mowing.

Also, here is a handy-dandy little reminder for next time:

 

 

 

Good luck!! 

PS: Since this writing, the yard guy has been fired and our palatial acreage is on the hunt-for the 1,268th time-for an expert yard guy/girl/person. 

It may be about time to invest in a goat. 😛 

 

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LAFF: Promises Are Promises…….

“But let me say that if they name the potential future king of England after a member of a British boy band, I will eat my shoe.”

I wrote those words above 4 days ago when I was attempting to predict the name of The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s 3rd child’s name. And at the time I thought the odds of me having to actually eat my shoe was so remote, I’d see the Cubs win the World Series again before that happened.

So when Kensington Palace announced the name today, my stomach dropped. Of all the royal sounding names they had to choose from, they had to pick Louis, which is a name of a member of One Direction. Although in their defense my promise was hinged on HRH being named Zayn, I knew that if Louis was picked and I didn’t eat my shoe, I was sure at least one of my subscribers would never let me live it down. (Not singling any one person out, I just know my friends 😉 ) 

Because I would have done the same thing if I were them.

Because I’m kind of a jerk. 😛

So, because promises are promises, I will now eat my shoe.

And as an added bonus, I’ll post the DIY how-to below. Enjoy!! (What, you thought I’d eat my ACTUAL shoe? Although that would have probably given me more views, our insurance isn’t zoned for shoe-eating.) #ThanksObama/Trump/WhoeverIsInChargeOfThatStuff 

Wedding Shower Shoes For Blog

Lulabelle’s Loophole Heels For When You Lose A Bet And Need To Eat Your Shoe:

You’ll need:

1 Large Cupcake-baked
1 Pepperidge Farm Mint Milano Cookie
1 Pepperidge Farm Pirouette Cookie
Frosting and various cookie decorations

To Assemble: 

Frost top of the cupcake and place one end of the Milano cookie, at an angle, through the top of the cupcake to look like the middle of the high-heeled shoe. 

Place a dollop of frosting on the bottom of the Milano cookie that is sticking up from the cupcake. Take the Pirouette cookie and using a knife, cut the cookie in 1/4ths, at an angle, depending on how high you want your heel, and attach it to the bottom of the Milano cookie. 

Decorate how you wish and enjoy! 🙂 

LAFF: The Not So Thin Black Line……

It may be Friday all week on the blog. I just have too much material from life lately to do any other post.

I hope you don’t mind. 😛

So I recently got enough curiosity and courage to attempt liquid eyeliner to up my makeup game. I went to the store and picked up a very reasonably priced liquid eyeliner pen that I thought I could use easier than a traditional ink and brush liner.

I started practicing using the eyeliner at home before I went out in public. My first attempt at putting it on, I spent a good 20 minutes to a half hour making sure things were even on both sides. After several attempts, I was able to get my liner routine down to 10 minutes from start to finish.

Last night I had plans with a friend to go shopping and stimulate the local economy. Because of my schedule and job, I don’t get out of the house as much as I’d like, so when I do, I like to glam it up a bit. So even though it was a random Monday evening, I reached for my new eyeliner and applied it first to my left eye.

Flawless. 

I went to apply it to my right eye.

I pressed the felt tip, at an angle as per the instructions, to my eyelid close to my eyelashes…….nothing.

“That’s weird”, I thought. “It worked fine a moment ago.”

I repositioned my hand and tried again……nothing. At this point I’m getting frustrated because here I am, just a girl with a dream of seeing other people in her day other than her cats and her husband and she’s about to walk out the door with lopsided eyelids.

I totally would have done it too. But my plans got pushed back a few minutes and I had time to try again to make an even line on my right eyelid.

N.O.T.H.I.N.G!

GAH!! WHY is this so hard?? The package DOES NOT say the product is only good for 2 weeks. 

Even so, I was determined not to just toss the eyeliner-at least until after I used it one last time. And I needed to try to even out my face, so what could I do? 

I may have run the liner under a stream of water. 

That actually worked really well and I’ll be doing that until either, A: That stops working or B: I get an eye infection because I didn’t know that running your eyeliner underwater can give you one. *It should be noted that I don’t necessarily think that would happen, but knowing me, this is an entirely plausible situation. 

So what can you do if you are in the same situation and one eye looks amazing while the other eye refuses to be lined? No worries, just pop on an ungodly bright color of lipstick and nobody will notice your lopsided eyeliner face! 😛

purple lipstick

Some people, during their midlife crisis, buy insanely expensive and impractical cars. I buy insanely impractical lipstick shades. I’m also getting the midlife crisis out-of-the-way 2 years early. 😀 

LAFF on Monday: Eh Cautionary Tale….

Yesterday Chad and I had a date night and I spent about an hour in the bathroom making sure I was groomed within an inch of my life and putting on my makeup while listening to the RENT soundtrack. I had a song from RENT going through my head and decided to listen to the entire album while I did my makeup in bright shades of purple, blue and a yellow-green that reminded me of that shade of duo-chromatic green with undertones of yellow that was popular in the 90’s when I was in high school.

In case you wondered, this is what I looked like in high school. Apparently brushing your hair was just a suggestion back then. 😀 And yes, I am wearing overalls. I lived in overalls pretty exclusively from 1994-2004ish. At one point, two of my college roommates threatened an intervention so I’d stop wearing them.

I’m getting my next pair today. 😀

HS Me in Overalls

Anyway, back to our story…..

Our senior class trip was to Toronto Canada to see the sights and take in a Broadway show. RENT had just found its way to Canada and we were all excited to see it. (OK, I can’t speak for everyone in my class, but I was pretty stoked.)

Right before we left for Canada, it was decided to make the entire class pack their birth certificates because it wasn’t quite known if everyone would be checked at the border or if they’d just want passports and such from our foreign exchange students. I mean, I guess it’s better to be safe than sorry. Now, packing our birth certificates (original copies of course 😉 ) wasn’t in and of itself a big deal. But it was decided by our class sponsors that since we were going off to college and into adulthood just a few months later, that each student in the class would be responsible for their own birth certificate.

Can you see where this is going? Great! I don’t have to finish this blog.

**Lulabelle attempts to exit stage left to hunt for chocolate in the freezer to satisfy her sweet tooth. Meanwhile, the ghost of High School past intervenes to give her a gentle reminder**

Dangit! I guess that wasn’t quite the entire point of the story. Let’s **begrudgingly** continue.

So anyway, our trip went off without a hitch. This particular story picks up on the morning when we left our hotel. I packed my belongings and made it down to the bus to board on time (we were fined a dollar for each minute we were late to places during our trip. This would be one of the last times I was on time for anything the rest of my life. 😀 )

After boarding, I began to have a sinking feeling in my stomach. I mean, it was hardly noticeable at first, but the closer we got to home and out of the country, it grew to such a sickening feeling that I couldn’t ignore it.

I couldn’t remember if I had packed my birth certificate to go back home.

Yep.

This notion was confirmed when I returned home and went through my things and didn’t find it. I knew the hardest part of this was going to be telling my parents. As it was after midnight, I crept to my parent’s bedroom door and knocked. My mom answered and had the look of just getting up from a very deep sleep. I anxiously blurted out, “I think I left my birth certificate in Canada,” and waited for the parental hand of God to come down on me. To my relief, she said, “It’s ok. We’ll talk it out in the morning,” turned around and went back to bed. 

I should have known this wasn’t the end of the conversation. But at that moment, I was just satisfied that I hadn’t gotten punished. I went to bed, happy and content that this incident was behind me.

Until I woke up the next day that is. 

At breakfast, I again mentioned my birth certificate mishap. and to my surprise, my mom LOST. HER. MIND……

“How could you forget your BIRTH CERTIFICATE??!!” 

“Don’t you know all the things you are going to need an original birth certificate for??” 

“I don’t think you understand how SERIOUS this is!!” 

Ah, this was a fun interaction. 

Dear parents, when your kid F’s up and needs to be punished, PLEASE take the time to do it immediately so your kid doesn’t get a false sense of security and is blindsided later by the consequences of their actions.

Or let them sweat. But tell them that they will be punished later. 

Honestly, my parents didn’t ground me or take away my phone (didn’t have one anyway-HA!). In my parent’s wisdom, they knew I’d be paying for this mistake for YEARS to come. 

And I have.

To add insult to injury, most of the things I’ve needed a copy of my original birth certificate (which you can thankfully get for a small processing fee) involve the DMV. A place no ordinary human goes to for a fun time. 

This alone is DEFINITELY punishment enough. 😛 

It’s amazing how many places you need your birth certificate immediately after you no longer have it. And yes, one thing that my mom made me do the next day is call the hotel and ask if they found one. 

They did not.

So if you are a young person going out of the country, make sure you make knowing where your passport and birth certificate is at all times a priority. Worst case scenario, get it tattooed on your hip or something. 

DO NOT, however, get it tattooed on your boobs. That would create a whole host of other issues. 😉 

I don’t know what the solution would be to never lose another important item in your life, but I hope this story made you smile and hopefully you’ll remember to remember your birth certificate the next time you need it. 

Cheers! 

LAFF: Things I Don’t Understand…..

  1. Tide Pod Eating-Why? 
  2. *If you never leave your house, HOW does the flu find you?? :-O
  3. Why does my cat prefer to hang out in a room that is 20 degrees cooler than the rest of the house? And why when I keep that door closed because of the cold, does he look at me like I just replaced his regular food with a bowl of citrus fruit? (He HATES the smell of citrus.)
  4. Doritos for Ladies: There are just no words for this. Apparently, before the proposed product was scrapped, the advertising hook was that they were less crunchy and more dainty (this last descriptive word is just conjecture) and would, therefore, be more appealing to women. Ah, what can I say about this? Here’s the thing, I don’t know about most woman, but I know for sure this woman loves the crunch. She NEEDS the crunch. For the love of baby Jesus KEEP THE CRUNCH! (And all of a sudden, I’m not sure we are talking about chips anymore. 😛 )
  5. Why is Postmates not available in every city and small town? What am I supposed to do when it’s 1am and I have a chocolate craving and there is none in the house? Go without? Yeah, I don’t think you understand the magnitude of the situation, bruh.
  6. Justin Timberlake’s Super Bowl performance. I still can’t figure out what I just watched. I was further confused by his outfit and spent half the time trying to decide if it was a patterned fabric or video projection.
  7.  Why does everyone site Psycho as Hitchcock’s scariest movie when The Birds is 1000x more creepy. Yeesh. #NotFakeNews
  8.  **Cab passengers who call to book a ride, but can’t give me an exact pickup address. This will never stop being confusing. 
  9. Finding something in the frozen food aisle that has instructions for deep-frying, conventional and toaster oven but no microwave instructions.
    None.
    This happened to us just this week and confused me because this item was being sold in an area that has 10 microwaves per half city block per capita. I guess breaded avocado slices are too bourgie for the microwave. 
  10. The other day, Chad woke up to this. Now see that little brown tuft of hair peeking out from the top of the blanket? That’s me.: rileyphoebebed(2)

My question is this: why isn’t the following scenario an acceptable reason to be late for work, “I couldn’t get out of bed because my cats refused to get off of me”?

Happy Weekend!

*Thankfully whatever I had in my body was gone by the time I woke up this morning.

**And yes, whenever I get a passenger who can’t give me an exact address, I request that they give me the name of a business around them or ask someone. 

LAFF: Lulabelle’s Guide on How to Procrastinate…..

The other day Chad and I were faced with a small crisis. Both our bathroom sink and bathtub became clogged to the point where when you step into the shower, it could double as a bathtub. The time had come to try to plunge both the sink and tub.

Now our bathroom drains had become clogged due to both having long hair. When I was a kid (with much shorter hair) one of my jobs since I had my own bathroom was to clean out the drain of hair every few weeks. I actually thought it was pretty fun and I never thought it was particularly gross.

Flash forward almost 25 years and things have changed. Not only is my hair significantly longer than it was when I was a kid, but now my gag reflex has become so sensitive that I can only take gummy vitamins.

Suffice it to say I was not looking forward to plunging the drains and cleaning out all that hair.

So instead of adulting and cleaning out all that gross hair, I thought I’d make a list of things to do instead of doing what you are supposed to be *doing:

1. Clean out the gutters. It doesn’t matter that it’s the middle of winter and snowing heavily.

2. Suddenly become obsessed with alphabetizing your pantry.

3. Taxes. April will be here before you know it so getting a head start is a good adult life choice. Yep.

4. Buy a subscription to Rosetta Stone-Mandarin so you can communicate with your niece and nephew. Start practicing immediately.

5. Actually work on that book you told everyone and their mother would be published in 2017.

6. Suddenly remember that you’ve never seen Justin Timberlake in concert and his TV performance starts in an hour. Might as well watch the preceding football event before it. 

7. Meal prep for the week for the first time in your life.

8. Take a broom, turn it upside down and put a dry cloth over the brush part. Then go along each corner of every room of the house sweeping away the cobwebs. 

9. Wax all nostalgic while rewatching old David Letterman segments with cute animals and the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin. 

10. Make a list of ways to procrastinate and upload it to your blog. 

**Lulabelle and Lulabelle.com are not liable for any job termination or grounding you may receive from doing anything on this list while you are supposed to be doing something else. 😉

LAFF/In Reel Time-YouTube Version……”Tigers Reaction to Kittens” by Michael Jamison…….

The other day I saw something so ridiculous I knew I had to blog about it. So today I thought I’d revisit the video and translate what I believe the characters (kittens and tigers) are thinking.

Now as far as I can tell, this video was shot in South Africa on some sort of animal rescue sanctuary. I have no idea but assume the guy in the video is a professional and knows what he’s doing.

Maybe.

Basically, I’m hoping this guy isn’t some sort of animal hoarder who needs to be reported to whatever governing body looks after large, dangerous animals.

Legal disclaimers aside, let’s get into the video:

The first moments of the video show the sanctuary guy putting the kittens into a carrier to take them outside by the tiger enclosure. My commentary starts at 1:42 when he’s carrying the kittens down the stairs of his house with the mama cat in pursuit.

Mama cat: What are you doing? Where are you taking my babies?

Sanctuary guy apparently doesn’t speak cat because he doesn’t answer but instead mentions that this might be a bad idea as it’s 5pm and it’s feeding time for the tigers and they might get the wrong idea.

:-O

Thank god there is a fence separating them.

2:24-sanctuary guy reaches into the carrier to take out a kitten as a tiger over the fence makes a sound, not unlike a cow. Kitten looks confused and a little nervous.

I would be too.

2:52-One tiger growls and walks past as another one comes up to the fence as the camera pans to the carrier of kittens as the mother has now climbed up on the carrier and is sitting on top of the mesh bag as if to say, “I’m lodging a formal complaint. This is stupid.”

2:59-As tiger approaches the fence, the kitten is looking nervously anywhere except at the tiger. “If I don’t look at him, I’m invisible to him.”

3:07-Tiger smells kitten through the fence.

3:09-kitten looks back at sanctuary guy like, “Are you freaking kidding me? He’s HUGE!”

3:14-Sanctuary guy says, “Well, that’s probably closer than she feels comfortable with.” Camera pans to mama cat on carrier looking at sanctuary guy like, “Duh, you think. WHAT ARE YOU DOING??”

3:49-Sanctuary guy puts kitten back in the carrier and zips it shut. Shows the mama cat by the carrier. “I just wanted to make her realize everything is fine.”

Mama cat: “Everything is NOT fine. You held up my babies in front of a lion-like Michael Jackson dangling his baby over the ledge window. NOT OK DUDE!!”

7:36-after giving the kittens a brief break, sanctuary guy picks another in the litter and brings it back up to the fence for the tigers to check out. Once the tiger is close enough to the fence, you can see that the kitten is roughly the size of the tiger’s nose. You can also see the tiger is probably thinking about what kind of gravy goes with kittens. 

Thankfully the tiger decides the kitten is too many calories and walks away. 😛 

You can check out the full video here .

Happy weekend!