LAFF On Sunday: Sleep Deprivation and Porch Light Coffee…..

I’m sitting here on Sunday evening at our local Denny’s restaurant waiting for our business meeting to start regarding our new taxi cab business.

I’m in my pajamas.

It was a dare.

That I jumped on enthusiastically.

The weird thing is NO ONE is batting an eyelash. Seriously, I fit right in with the Sunday evening crowd.

Go figure.

I’m doing my Friday blog on Sunday because honestly, with this new job, things have gotten a bit crazy on our end. How crazy? Yeah, about that. We came home from a night out last week, got the keys out to open the front door and found this:

Porch Light Coffee

Yeah. We had a cup of to-go coffee stuck on top of our porch light. It was leftover from a business meeting we had 4 DAYS EARLIER. We came home that night and Chad’s hands were full, so he stuck his cup of to-go coffee on top of our porch light in order to have hands free to unlock the door.

And forgot to grab the coffee before he got into the door. And I know what you are thinking and yes, I DID think about drinking the coffee and doing a blog about it, but that particular porch light attracts most of the bugs we get on our porch, so I quickly decided that would have been a bad life choice.

Starting a business from scratch is hard work. It takes perseverance (which 9 times out of 10 includes sleep deprivation), persistance and drive. And lots of caffeine.

Just try to remember to take it off the porch light before you drink it. 😉

Cheers!

Dropped Luggage and a Race Against Time…..

So a couple of things before we get into our topic of the day:

1. Yes, I was able to get Riley off my back to continue blogging my thoughts on random things.

2. That snow that was predicted? Yeah, it came. And today it was back to warm-ish weather. Go figure.

Now, on to our topic of the day……..

I got my period yesterday. Aunt Flo had been circling the area for about a week and finally dropped her luggage while I was enjoying lunch with friends at Panera Bread.

Now, I don’t say this to overshare or for “shock value.” (OK, actually that’s not **completely** true, I mean….admit it…you read those words and if you didn’t click off the page right away, you wanted to keep reading 😉 #Weirdo ). This random fact is actually an important piece of information to better understand my story today.

The free clinic in town was having a Woman’s Health day on Saturday and offering free Pap smears. Because I figured it was time for me to have an exam on my lady bits, I went.

Now for most women, a Pap smear isn’t a fun day at the beach, but a necessary evil to keep yourself healthy. And I had grown up with the notion that I needed one once a year.

Apparently that was a lie.

According to new standards set by people who were in school longer than I was, guidelines for Pap smears have changed. In short, **women who are aged 21-29 should have a Pap smear every 3 years. Those 30 and over should have one every 5 years, ending at age 65. However, if you change sexual partners in a year or have a history of cervical cancer, it’s recommended you still have a yearly exam.

(Sidenote: I really feel like every woman should have been informed about this change in guidelines in some way. Possibly through the mail. I mean, we all get enough junk mail, so it’s not like they don’t know where we live. 😛 )

The other reason why I would have loved to have this piece of information before I went into my appointment was because I have a bit of anxiety when I anticipate having a Pap smear. To the point where I NEED TO have someone hold my hand during the entire procedure. And my hand-holder of choice, Chad, had to work and couldn’t be there.

So I found out about this Woman’s Health Day at the free clinic more than a month ago so I’ve been anticipating and worrying and fretting about this appointment for a Pap smear for literally WEEKS in advance of the actual event.

WEEKS!

Also, when I saw the date of the Woman’s Health Event, my stomach dropped. Why? Because I realized that was the day my period was due. Aunt Flo is so regular that I can predict her arrival with a high degree of accuracy. Except this month I was completely wrecked with worry. Especially all this week I was on edge because the last thing I wanted was to get my period and not be able to get a Pap.

And every day I felt like it was a race against time. Each day that passed without Aunt Flo’s ominous knocking on my uterus was one day closer to her arrival, and the less likely that I’d be able to get my lady bits checked for free.

There is really nothing like going into the Dr.’s office, anticipating a procedure you’ve been anxious about all week, then being told you don’t need that procedure and almost making them do it anyway because DARN IT you’ve been worried about it all WEEK!! (Then realizing that’s a really dumb line of thinking, you leave the office before they can change their minds, but not until after you get your hands on the free goody bag they are handing out to all participants.*)

So why even write about such a personal topic? Well, several reasons: 1. I had NO idea the Pap smear guidelines had changed and I figured if I didn’t know, there are others that didn’t know either. 2. Having anxiety over Pap smears makes these new guidelines all the more important because when you live with anxiety, the more stressful activities you can put off the better. 3. In writing about this topic, I am helping to take away the stigma that we can’t openly discuss intimate health issues. It is NOT dirty or shameful or wrong. Talking about it saves lives.

And you are never alone!

Cheers!

*So I know what you are thinking, “The first thing in a Woman’s Health Day goody bag would be chocolate.” Yeah. You’d be wrong. But the things inside were just as useful: hand sanitizer, a comb, feminine hygiene products, razors and a clinic pamphlet.

**Like anything else, these are just general guidelines. Every person and situation is different. If you have any doubts, talk to your doctor before putting off a Pap smear.

LAFF: Holy Shiatsu!…….

This weather has been mighty strange lately. This week it hit 60 degrees. In February. In winter. Tomorrow it is supposed to snow.

This kind of weather can be brutal on your joints when you reach a certain age. Like 37. So I could really use a massage. But unfortunately, a massage isn’t in the budget this week. So I had to think outside the box.

And outside that box was Riley. Our youngest cat. In all his farty, water bowl dumping glory.

Things started out well, he jumped on my back and walked up and down my sore muscles. Melting away the pain. Then, things uh, took a turn. And now I need a bit of advice……

Does anybody know how to get an ambivalent, farty cat off your back??

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If I can figure this out, I’ll blog again on Monday. Wish me luck! 😛

Cheers!

LAFF On Saturday: I SCreamed, “Voter Fraud!!”………

With all the talk about voter fraud and illegal voting floating around lately, I decided it would be a good idea to be more vigilant. So, in the spirit of “see something, say something,” today I wanted to expose a fraudulent vote that I happened to find. #Disgraceful 😛 

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LAFF: Marriage: You’re Doing It Right…..

This spring will mark 9 years since Chad and I became “us.” We have been married 3.5 years out of the 9. Even still sometimes things get to the point where you forget some things. Like whose toothbrush belongs to whom.

Working long hours isn’t exactly helping the situation.

A couple weeks ago Chad accidentally used my toothbrush. After he confessed to me, I made him a kind of “cheat sheet” so it won’t happen again. 😛

toothbrushes

Beware of Bag Balm…….

It happened on December 23. Chad and I had just arrived at my parents house up north and were getting ready for bed.

As it is winter and we were up north, my hands were inevitably dry. And of course I forgot to pack my go-to hand lotion. But I was in luck because my mom is the best host ever and has a basket of goodies on the bathroom counter. Things like little toothbrushes, toothpaste and shampoo….just in case you forgot something.

I also noticed she had a container of something called Bag Balm. I was curious and picked it up. It looked like this. As it came in a green and red container I thought about it being Christmas and just assumed it would smell Christmasy–like cinnamon and pine needles.

I. Was. So. Wrong.

But before I describe how it smelled, I want to describe the directions for use that you can read for yourself at the link above. First of all, Bag Balm was originally formulated for use on farm animals um, “nether regions.”

Yeah. Farm animals. Not humans.

Even so I expected the directions to reference use on people at least once.

Nope. I was a little skeeved out by the fact that there were LITERALLY no instructions for use on humans…..But it was in my parents guest room. As in, “Here. Use this. You’re welcome.”

Let me see if I can describe the smell accurately. It’s like if you have a new leather shoe, shrink yourself down to a size smaller than the shoe and you move INTO the shoe to live.

Yeah. You are now the woman who lived in a shoe. But the shoe just reeks of leather, so you light a candle to mask the pungent odor.

But the candle is hemp scented so now not only is there an overwhelming smell of leather, but you’ve just added in the pungent smell of pot. All that’s left to do now is put on a Nirvana album and jam out.

But the good news is that Bag Balm DOES in fact work very well in moisturizing your hands.

So there’s that. 😛

PS: After returning home from vacation, I tore into my Christmas gift from my sister-in-law who makes organic soap in amazing scents. After using her hand-made soap, I haven’t had to use extra hand moisturizer. You can find out more about her awesome products at: www.coloradomadesudz.com

FTC DISCLAIMER: All products mentioned were gifted to me by my awesome sister-in- law. This post is not sponsored.

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Merry Christmas!!……Grab a Seat!!

Christmas Eve. A time for laughter, family gatherings and the perfect time for last-minute major household fixture breakages.

OK, maybe not, but in my family, this is how it goes. Murphy’s Law adores us, apparently.

So on Christmas Eve my family was sitting around just enjoying each other’s company when Chad heard the “call of nature.” He went upstairs to use the bathroom because the downstairs bathroom was where my dad had been quarantined with a stomach virus. (It may have also been food poisoning. Thankfully he was good to go on Christmas Day.)

A minute or so later we all heard a loud crash and immediately started a headcount of all the Littles (my nieces and nephews). A moment later Chad called out, “Uh, the toilet seat fell off the toilet and broke when I lifted up the lid.” (Sidenote: I had noticed the wobbliness of said toilet seat earlier in the day but for some reason forgot to mention it to my parents. Oops! At the same time I was kinda impressed that Chad only had to lift the lid of the toilet for it to decide, “Nope, I’m out. Peace bro.” )

This we had to see. The oldest Little managed to beat us all upstairs and grabbed both pieces of the broken toilet seat (one in each hand), and gleefully announced to the gathering crowd, “And here are the two pieces!”

Now the funniest part of this whole scene was the oldest Little standing there holding up both broken parts of the toilet seat. He had a gap in his teeth where he had just lost his first tooth, his jeans were ripped and, most alarming, was the scrape on his head from sledding into a tree the day before.

It was like looking at a modern-day version of a Norman Rockwell painting. Right down to the missing tooth and scraped face.

Ironically enough having one toilet down, 9 times out of 10 makes a person suddenly have to go, but they can’t make it to the other one in time. Yeah, I have the world’s most ironic bladder. 😛

The next order of business was repairing the toilet (as this also conveniently occurred 48 hours before the biggest family gathering of the year….which my parents were hosting….in their *house…….where a toilet seat just broke). So it was decided a new toilet seat was going to have to be shopped for and installed tut de suite (right away). After several hours, the shopping party returned victorious with a bright and shiny new toilet seat.

Now, before the toilet seat debacle, I had planned to make gingerbread houses with the Littles that same afternoon for our annual Christmas Project. They were therefore given a choice, either they could decorate gingerbread houses with Auntie, or they could troop upstairs to watch (and possibly assist) in a toilet seat installation.

Can you guess what they all chose??

Yep. All of the biggest Littles got to take a turn at turning the wrench, taking off the old seat, and putting on the new. The 2-year-old was so excited he exclaimed, “I fix the potty!!” Fun was had by all.

toiletrepairnbsy

toiletrepair1

toiletrepairzr

This makes me realize that maybe next year I need to think outside the box when planning my annual project with the Littles. So next year our project will entail learning how to change the oil in a car and replacing flat tires.

Stay tuned. 😀

*I stand corrected. Since the rough draft of this blog was written, I was reminded that, due to the increasing size of our extended family, the gathering this year would take place at a local church.

Where all the toilets were in working order.