LAFF: Things I Don’t Understand…..

  1. Tide Pod Eating-Why? 
  2. *If you never leave your house, HOW does the flu find you?? :-O
  3. Why does my cat prefer to hang out in a room that is 20 degrees cooler than the rest of the house? And why when I keep that door closed because of the cold, does he look at me like I just replaced his regular food with a bowl of citrus fruit? (He HATES the smell of citrus.)
  4. Doritos for Ladies: There are just no words for this. Apparently, before the proposed product was scrapped, the advertising hook was that they were less crunchy and more dainty (this last descriptive word is just conjecture) and would, therefore, be more appealing to women. Ah, what can I say about this? Here’s the thing, I don’t know about most woman, but I know for sure this woman loves the crunch. She NEEDS the crunch. For the love of baby Jesus KEEP THE CRUNCH! (And all of a sudden, I’m not sure we are talking about chips anymore. 😛 )
  5. Why is Postmates not available in every city and small town? What am I supposed to do when it’s 1am and I have a chocolate craving and there is none in the house? Go without? Yeah, I don’t think you understand the magnitude of the situation, bruh.
  6. Justin Timberlake’s Super Bowl performance. I still can’t figure out what I just watched. I was further confused by his outfit and spent half the time trying to decide if it was a patterned fabric or video projection.
  7.  Why does everyone site Psycho as Hitchcock’s scariest movie when The Birds is 1000x more creepy. Yeesh. #NotFakeNews
  8.  **Cab passengers who call to book a ride, but can’t give me an exact pickup address. This will never stop being confusing. 
  9. Finding something in the frozen food aisle that has instructions for deep-frying, conventional and toaster oven but no microwave instructions.
    None.
    This happened to us just this week and confused me because this item was being sold in an area that has 10 microwaves per half city block per capita. I guess breaded avocado slices are too bourgie for the microwave. 
  10. The other day, Chad woke up to this. Now see that little brown tuft of hair peeking out from the top of the blanket? That’s me.: rileyphoebebed(2)

My question is this: why isn’t the following scenario an acceptable reason to be late for work, “I couldn’t get out of bed because my cats refused to get off of me”?

Happy Weekend!

*Thankfully whatever I had in my body was gone by the time I woke up this morning.

**And yes, whenever I get a passenger who can’t give me an exact address, I request that they give me the name of a business around them or ask someone. 

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LAFF: Lulabelle’s Guide on How to Procrastinate…..

The other day Chad and I were faced with a small crisis. Both our bathroom sink and bathtub became clogged to the point where when you step into the shower, it could double as a bathtub. The time had come to try to plunge both the sink and tub.

Now our bathroom drains had become clogged due to both having long hair. When I was a kid (with much shorter hair) one of my jobs since I had my own bathroom was to clean out the drain of hair every few weeks. I actually thought it was pretty fun and I never thought it was particularly gross.

Flash forward almost 25 years and things have changed. Not only is my hair significantly longer than it was when I was a kid, but now my gag reflex has become so sensitive that I can only take gummy vitamins.

Suffice it to say I was not looking forward to plunging the drains and cleaning out all that hair.

So instead of adulting and cleaning out all that gross hair, I thought I’d make a list of things to do instead of doing what you are supposed to be *doing:

1. Clean out the gutters. It doesn’t matter that it’s the middle of winter and snowing heavily.

2. Suddenly become obsessed with alphabetizing your pantry.

3. Taxes. April will be here before you know it so getting a head start is a good adult life choice. Yep.

4. Buy a subscription to Rosetta Stone-Mandarin so you can communicate with your niece and nephew. Start practicing immediately.

5. Actually work on that book you told everyone and their mother would be published in 2017.

6. Suddenly remember that you’ve never seen Justin Timberlake in concert and his TV performance starts in an hour. Might as well watch the preceding football event before it. 

7. Meal prep for the week for the first time in your life.

8. Take a broom, turn it upside down and put a dry cloth over the brush part. Then go along each corner of every room of the house sweeping away the cobwebs. 

9. Wax all nostalgic while rewatching old David Letterman segments with cute animals and the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin. 

10. Make a list of ways to procrastinate and upload it to your blog. 

**Lulabelle and Lulabelle.com are not liable for any job termination or grounding you may receive from doing anything on this list while you are supposed to be doing something else. 😉

LAFF/In Reel Time-YouTube Version……”Tigers Reaction to Kittens” by Michael Jamison…….

The other day I saw something so ridiculous I knew I had to blog about it. So today I thought I’d revisit the video and translate what I believe the characters (kittens and tigers) are thinking.

Now as far as I can tell, this video was shot in South Africa on some sort of animal rescue sanctuary. I have no idea but assume the guy in the video is a professional and knows what he’s doing.

Maybe.

Basically, I’m hoping this guy isn’t some sort of animal hoarder who needs to be reported to whatever governing body looks after large, dangerous animals.

Legal disclaimers aside, let’s get into the video:

The first moments of the video show the sanctuary guy putting the kittens into a carrier to take them outside by the tiger enclosure. My commentary starts at 1:42 when he’s carrying the kittens down the stairs of his house with the mama cat in pursuit.

Mama cat: What are you doing? Where are you taking my babies?

Sanctuary guy apparently doesn’t speak cat because he doesn’t answer but instead mentions that this might be a bad idea as it’s 5pm and it’s feeding time for the tigers and they might get the wrong idea.

:-O

Thank god there is a fence separating them.

2:24-sanctuary guy reaches into the carrier to take out a kitten as a tiger over the fence makes a sound, not unlike a cow. Kitten looks confused and a little nervous.

I would be too.

2:52-One tiger growls and walks past as another one comes up to the fence as the camera pans to the carrier of kittens as the mother has now climbed up on the carrier and is sitting on top of the mesh bag as if to say, “I’m lodging a formal complaint. This is stupid.”

2:59-As tiger approaches the fence, the kitten is looking nervously anywhere except at the tiger. “If I don’t look at him, I’m invisible to him.”

3:07-Tiger smells kitten through the fence.

3:09-kitten looks back at sanctuary guy like, “Are you freaking kidding me? He’s HUGE!”

3:14-Sanctuary guy says, “Well, that’s probably closer than she feels comfortable with.” Camera pans to mama cat on carrier looking at sanctuary guy like, “Duh, you think. WHAT ARE YOU DOING??”

3:49-Sanctuary guy puts kitten back in the carrier and zips it shut. Shows the mama cat by the carrier. “I just wanted to make her realize everything is fine.”

Mama cat: “Everything is NOT fine. You held up my babies in front of a lion-like Michael Jackson dangling his baby over the ledge window. NOT OK DUDE!!”

7:36-after giving the kittens a brief break, sanctuary guy picks another in the litter and brings it back up to the fence for the tigers to check out. Once the tiger is close enough to the fence, you can see that the kitten is roughly the size of the tiger’s nose. You can also see the tiger is probably thinking about what kind of gravy goes with kittens. 

Thankfully the tiger decides the kitten is too many calories and walks away. 😛 

You can check out the full video here .

Happy weekend!

LAFF: Day After Christmas Life Hack…..

So it’s likely your Christmas tree is already down and you’ve put everything Christmas related away for next year. I had really hoped to get this up the actual day after Christmas to help you out, but alas, that didn’t happen.

This year for Christmas my family and I learned a very important lesson and I wanted to share it with you all. You know, in an effort to make the world a little less sucky.

What you need to do is go back to where you store Christmas stuff, grab your stockings and look into each one to see if there is anything still inside that was forgotten.

Why?

Because it seems as though last year one of our Littles was so excited for Christmas that she forgot to go in and get what was buried at the bottom of her stocking in the toe. And on Christmas day of this year, my mom found it after the stockings had been gone through. 😀

It is safe to say that from now on, the stockings will receive a thorough pat down and invasive shaking to make sure NGLB (No Gift is Left Behind).

OOPS!

LAFF on Sunday: Accidents In the Home…..

They say that (Ok, I’m not actually sure the percentage) of accidents happen in the home. According to a quick google search, (because it’s me and I want to get this up before midnight 😉 and besides it’s the internet so you can believe anything you read, right?), the number one listing of accidents in the home is from falling objects.

So you probably see where this is going, but there’s a twist. While I am certainly no stranger to accidents at home (throw back to the time this happened…) this latest incident was a first. 

This morning I had a dream that I was picking something up off the ground. I can’t remember what the object was, so I can only assume that it doesn’t matter. I immediately felt a sharp pain in my left eyeball. 

Then I woke up. 

To discover my cell phone in my hand. Apparently I had grabbed my cell phone (*ostensibly to record my dream for future blog content.) and accidentally dropped it on my face. 

Apparently this is my new talent. Let me know if you think I should try out for America’s Got Talent. 

Cheers! 

 

LAFF On Sunday: Vacation Part 2: Country Roads, Take Me Home. (Seriously, We Gotta Pee)……

Welcome back to my page! If you enjoyed part 1 of this story, you are in for a treat as today I’m sharing part 2 of our vacation adventure.

Our story begins on the day after we arrived at our campsite in KY. In the morning we drove to Hopkinsville, KY for the total solar eclipse. The eclipse itself was indescribable and I’m SO glad we were there. Honestly, the experience was right up there with witnessing a live birth. But in person. (I’ve never seen a live birth in person but I imagine it has similar awestruck feelings.)

Now Hopkinsville (or Hville as I’ll be referring to it in shorthand) is a relatively small town in the Midwest. With a population of only around 30K, hosting eclipsers was going to be a daunting task. I’m not sure of the exact number of people who came to Hville to see the eclipse, but I would venture to guess at least half of the total original population based on the traffic we had getting out of the city. Of course, this estimate is conservative depending on who you talk to.

Speaking of the traffic, It was the worst I’ve ever been in. Which sounds dramatic, but let me explain further.

This traffic was most of the state’s visitors leaving at once FROM THE SAME DIRECTION. Also, Hville is situated along mostly country roads so the option of pulling over for a pit stop at a gas station was NOT an option.

But we didn’t think it’d be a big deal. We figured we’d be out of Hville soon and we’d be able to do a pit stop at a gas station or convenience store.

NOPE. We were wrong. Normally it takes a little over an hour to get from Hville to Evansville, IN on the border.

It took us 7.5.

7.5 HOURS in SLOOOOOWWWW *ss moving traffic. On mostly country roads, and the roads that weren’t isolated in the country had NOWHERE to pull off and use the restroom.

Chad suddenly had to go.

In all honesty, I had started to get an inkling that I had to go about an hour or so before he did, but I figured that we’d DEFINITELY find a place in the next few miles.

Which turned into more miles.
Which turned into more miles.

And the ENTIRE time we were in slow *ss moving traffic that NEVER sped up beyond 5. MILES. PER. HOUR.

And about two hours in, it finally happened. Chad couldn’t hold it any longer. So we began trying to figure out what to do. Now I already had to go but let’s just say that ship had uh, sailed, and had circled the harbor at least once. So really the priority was Chad.

At more than one point we contemplated pulling into a random person’s driveway and asking if we could use their bathroom. Honestly, I can’t believe Hville didn’t see this coming and put random Port-a-Pottys along roads, spaced out over several miles. (Note to Terre Haute in 2024: This needs to happen).

But we (and by “we” I mean Chad and since he was driving he really had the final say so as to whether something was “not appropriate”) decided that it wasn’t a good idea to stop into someone’s driveway and ask if we could use the bathroom. Even to test how true their own state license plates used to be (“Kentucky: We ARE That Friendly”).

But it got to the point where I’m pretty sure Chad contemplated just that if only for a moment. Instead he said, “OK, this is what we are going to do.” and picked up a large plastic cup (like those cups you can get at 7-11 for those Slurpees you buy that are as tall as 5 chickens standing on top of each other) from the driver’s side door from a previous roadside stop.

While keeping one hand on the wheel, we were still moving, he takes his other hand and leans his seat back so he had more room (and other cars couldn’t see), unzipped his pants (we were stopped for a moment but were moving again-but no more than 5mph), angled the cup and let loose.

We both prayed to Jesus that he wouldn’t overflow the cup and every second the flow didn’t stop we panicked that we were about to be out in the middle of nowhere covered in pee. Imagine the conversation……..

(Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Us: We were undressing in stopped traffic with the windows open.
Officer: That’s right and I’ll be charging you with indecent exposure, can you step out of the car, please?
**Chad steps out of the car to help me out**
Officer: Sir, what is that on your pants?
Us: Well you see officer, we really had to pee, but as you know there is nowhere to pull off to do it, so we had this cup and I really had to go and………
Officer: **looks extremely flustered** Ga….My bad. You folks have a nice day!)

Thankfully the stream stopped literally millimeters from the top. Then Chad handed me the cup as I’m rolling with laughter in the passenger seat. “Here,” he said. Now, I’ve never been handed a cup of pee as tall as a 5 chicken Slurpee, so I didn’t know what to do. I just took it and stared at it for a moment before gingerly reaching for the window-putter-downer in an attempt to dispose of it out the window (Shout out to the car behind us, I’m sorry!?). “NO! Don’t do that.” Chad panickly announced. “Just open the door and pour it out.”

Which I guess is definitely more discreet. So I carefully cracked the door open (yes, we were still moving but no more than 5 mph), and slowly poured the mammoth cup of pee out on this now defiled road. This task is immensely more difficult when one is laughing hysterically at what we had become in this moment.

8 hours later we stumbled into our house, thankful we had survived such a crazy adventure. 

So the takeaway from this story is three-fold:

1. Keeping a cup in the car as tall as 5 chickens standing on top of each other is a pretty great idea in case of emergency.

2. You’ve never truly appreciated a car with good leg room until you are in a similar situation.

3. In hindsight, that lady who wore astronaut diapers to drive across the country doesn’t seem so crazy after all. 

LAFF: Vacation Part 1: Literally the Dumbest Reason I’ve Cried As an Adult……

I’ve had this following story in my head for 3 weeks and I can only hope I can tell it sufficiently so it is as entertaining as it was for us when we lived it. Honestly I should have taken electronic notes, but we were both in such a state that coherent diction would have been next to impossible. Also this will be a two parter.

This story begins the day after Chad and I were at Holiday World on that devil machine where I swear I saw Saturn’s rings. We slept on the grounds of Holiday World (in the lodge) and woke early the next morning and left our friends to drive to Hopkinsville, KY to witness the first total solar eclipse since 1979. Why Hopkinsville? Because I married an astronomy nerd and Hopkinsville was in what they called, “the path of totality” and was one of only a handful of states in the US where you’d be able to see the full, total eclipse. 

We stopped overnight at a campsite about 20 minutes from Hopkinsville. Now, one thing to know about me is I’m not the camping type. And that’s not because I’m particularly extra or spoiled in life (ok, I kinda am. Lets be honest. 😉 ). I don’t enjoy camping so much because in its most primitive form, one has to squat by a tree to pee. 

I can’t squat due to my disability so it’s much easier for me to use an actual toilet.

So when I heard that we were going to be camping at a primitive site, I was more than a little panicked. I should probably point out that we had driven several hours, I was tired and more than a little bit hormonal. 

A wonderful combination. 

So when we finally pulled into our campsite after midnight in the pitch dark, I was glad that soon we’d be able to slide our seats back and go to sleep. But I had to pee. We had heard there were bathroom facilities on the campgrounds and assumed there was a bathhouse.

There wasn’t.

We were told instead that there were Port-a-Pottys.
But we had to walk to them.
1/4 mile down the road.
In the dark.
On uneven ground. 
With only the flashlight on Chad’s smart phone to light our path. 

Now I already am a pretty emotional person, so as you can imagine I was just not having it at that point.
Irrational I know.
So I burst into tears. And immediately announced to Chad, “These tears are not about you, but about the situation!” (I may have lied, but only 0.5%. 😉 ) 

Literal tears falling out of my almost 38 year-old eyeballs. All because I was going to have to pee in a Port-a-Potty. I admit it wasn’t my finest hour. Thankfully the Port-a-Potty had a spigot fountain with a soap dispenser to wash your hands right outside the door. 

As I climbed in and situated myself, I began to calm down a bit and looked around at my surroundings. And discovered this particular Port-a-Potty was painted a lovely shade of Tiffany blue. “Huh,” I thought. “This color would look amazing in our living room.” 

And that long story is how we decided on our living room wall color. 😀 

Cheers!