The One Where Lulabelle Reconsiders Hygiene Rules She’s Followed Since Childhood…….

Well that lasted 9 months. Almost 9 months to the exact day. But today I had to do a reset of sorts.

Guys, I have to reset my vomit clock.

Again.

And to add insult to injury I was doing something you are taught in childhood to do several times a day to stay healthy.

I was brushing my teeth.

Yeah.

Let me repeat that.

I threw up because I was BRUSHING. MY. TEETH.

Now to ensure my breath is fresh, I brush over my tongue. I’ve down this for years. But today for some reason when I brushed my tongue my body decided it wanted to be reminded of what I had for breakfast.

In reverse.

Now I can probably pin-point the reason why this happened if I think back to how heavy-handed I can be with brushing my teeth. I once went to the dentist for a toothache and was told that it was gum inflammation caused by flossing my teeth too hard. He literally ordered me to STOP FLOSSING MY TEETH FOR A FEW DAYS.

True story! I mean WHO DOES THAT?ย 

Me, apparently. ๐Ÿ˜›ย 

So if you are keeping track, so far in the last 9 months the following things I used to partake in to keep myself healthy, I am now hesitant to ever do again in life:ย 

1. Take generic fish oil gel capsules that are the same size as the woman’s multivitamin I used to consume.ย 

2. The aforementioned woman’s multi-vitamin whose size had been labeled a “horse” pill. Why we are comparing vitamin size to a pill a horse takes is beyond me. I am not a horse so I shouldn’t have to digest something that is normally shoved up a horse’s nether regions. (I’m sure it’s probably taken orally, but surely sometimes this happens? Yes? Moving on…..)ย 

3. Brushing my teeth. Now I appreciate and love the feelings of slick, clean teeth on my tongue as much as the next guy, but when you see your breakfast in reverse after such an activity, you begin to think that maybe it’s not that big of a deal if your teeth get fuzzy and your breath becomes so foul that it could bring dragons back to life.ย 

I’ve always wanted a dragon.

And to be honest it would be quite useful at this point in my life. ๐Ÿ˜›ย 

So apparently what we have learned from all this is that growing older has some unintended consequences that I’m glad I didn’t know beforehand.ย 

I just hope the next time I brush my hair, it doesn’t fall out.ย 

Fingers crossed.ย 

It is a scientific fact that I’ve never once barfed after eating licorice. This is not my fault. It’s science.ย 

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Bloggertunities: A Blogger’s Sincere Apology…….

I’ve been blogging for over two years and in that time I’ve learned that sometimes there are consequences for writing about certain things. You get criticism and you just have to take it, let it roll off your back and move on with your life.

But sometimes those consequences are farther reaching than you had intended and it really makes you think about the contentย  you put out. Two years ago I wrote a blog that, looking back on it now, I regret. I threw shade at a situation that I shouldn’t have and the parties involved have now read that blog, reached out to me and made it clear that it’s up to me to make amends. So here it goes……….

Dear fruit flies:

I’m sorry I wrote you that public break-up letter two years ago. Now, I’m only linking that original post with this one as a point of reference for my subscribers and not to further drag you down. I know now that I should have taken down the blog and issued this apology. They say that hindsight is 20/20 and if I had known we’d go through what we’ve gone through in the lastย 4 days because of what I wrote 2 years ago, I never would have posted that blog.

I know now that if I hadn’t written that last blog:

1. You wouldn’t have piled onto our litter boxes, causing our oldest cat to decide she doesn’t want to use the litter box, because the bedroom carpet does just fine.

It doesn’t.

2. I would have WAY less of an audience when I pee.

3. We wouldn’t have to replace our toothbrushes EVERY. TIME. WE. BRUSH. (Not because fruit-flies harbor any sort of disease or anything when they land on our toothbrushes, we are just that paranoid.)*

4.ย I wouldn’t have had fruit-flies buzzing around my face and almost getting stuck in my white tea-citrus peel-off mask (I was feeling fancy and they had $1 samples at Walmart.)

5. I wouldn’t have had a fruit fly take up residence in my left ear and refuse to leave. I’m hoping it will at least start paying rent. Stay tuned.

6. I wouldn’t be able to watch Riley dance and prance around playing with fruit flies that aren’t visible to the naked eye when they are flying around the room. (Ok, to be honest, this one is pretty entertaining to watch.)

7. We would be able to eat a meal in a reasonable time frame instead of taking 5 times longer because of waving off fruit flies. But on the other hand I guess this does aid in digestion so, thanks?

8. Chad wouldn’t have developed a permanent speech impediment (actually this one is probably more his fault because as a joke he likes to switch the first letters of words to the end of the word and say it wrong and he’s done it for so long that some words are now permanently backwards. ๐Ÿ˜› )

Oh screw it! You know what? I’m NOT sorry, can’t live this way anymore and next yearstarting on June 1st, I’m pouring bleach and boiling hot water down ALL our drains every two weeks. In other words……

“GET OFF MY LAWN!!”

*Ok, we don’t actually replace them every time, we just think about it. A LOT.

Monday Life Hacks Episode 2……

The smoke detector in our living room is on the way out. Most obviously distraught over the Falcon’s loss yesterday in the Super Bowl, our smoke detector has been squawking all day like a large mouse that’s gotten caught in a trap but is still alive.

I know, it’s horrifying. And I’m alone at the moment and can’t change the battery.

But don’t worry, guys. I was able to DIY a solution. Feel free to use this method and pass it along to others in need……

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Happy Monday! ๐Ÿ˜€

New Years Confessions……..

On Christmas morning one of our Littles (our 2 yr. old nephew) pulled the following item out of his stocking. When I saw it, I’m not gonna lie, I felt a tinge of jealousy.

See, I love all things **banana flavored and am also curious about things that smell like banana. And the Mennonite in me appreciated the efficiency of a product that not only can wash and condition your hair, but washes your body as well.

While running errands tonight with Chad, I found it.

And I bought it.

I don’t know why I’m covering my face. I’m really not ashamed.

I’m going to smell awesome! ๐Ÿ˜›

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**I blame my mom for the banana thing. She always made sure we had bananas in the house as a healthy treat and would list them off first when we complained that we were hungry and there was nothing to eat.

Years later we discovered she actually hates bananas but kept them in the house and ate them daily because darn it, they are good for you.

#TrueStory ๐Ÿ˜€

Merry Christmas!!……Grab a Seat!!

Christmas Eve. A time for laughter, family gatherings and the perfect time for last-minute major household fixture breakages.

OK, maybe not, but in my family, this is how it goes. Murphy’s Law adores us, apparently.

So on Christmas Eve my family was sitting around just enjoying each other’s company when Chad heard the “call of nature.” He went upstairs to use the bathroom because the downstairs bathroom was where my dad had been quarantined with a stomach virus. (It may have also been food poisoning. Thankfully he was good to go on Christmas Day.)

A minute or so later we all heard a loud crash and immediately started a headcount of all the Littles (my nieces and nephews). A moment later Chad called out, “Uh, the toilet seat fell off the toilet and broke when I lifted up the lid.” (Sidenote: I had noticed the wobbliness of said toilet seat earlier in the day but for some reason forgot to mention it to my parents. Oops! At the same time I was kinda impressed that Chad only had to lift the lid of the toilet for it to decide, “Nope, I’m out. Peace bro.” )

This we had to see. The oldest Little managed to beat us all upstairs and grabbed both pieces of the broken toilet seat (one in each hand), and gleefully announced to the gathering crowd, “And here are the two pieces!”

Now the funniest part of this whole scene was the oldest Little standing there holding up both broken parts of the toilet seat. He had a gap in his teeth where he had just lost his first tooth, his jeans were ripped and, most alarming, was the scrape on his head from sledding into a tree the day before.

It was like looking at a modern-day version of a Norman Rockwell painting. Right down to the missing tooth and scraped face.

Ironically enough having one toilet down, 9 times out of 10 makes a person suddenly have to go, but they can’t make it to the other one in time. Yeah, I have the world’s most ironic bladder. ๐Ÿ˜›

The next order of business was repairing the toilet (as this also conveniently occurred 48 hours before the biggest family gathering of the year….which my parents were hosting….in their *house…….where a toilet seat just broke). So it was decided a new toilet seat was going to have to be shopped for and installed tut de suite (right away). After several hours, the shopping party returned victorious with a bright and shiny new toilet seat.

Now, before the toilet seat debacle, I had planned to make gingerbread houses with the Littles that same afternoon for our annual Christmas Project. They were therefore given a choice, either they could decorate gingerbread houses with Auntie, or they could troop upstairs to watch (and possibly assist) in a toilet seat installation.

Can you guess what they all chose??

Yep. All of the biggest Littles got to take a turn at turning the wrench, taking off the old seat, and putting on the new. The 2-year-old was so excited he exclaimed, “I fix the potty!!” Fun was had by all.

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This makes me realize that maybe next year I need to think outside the box when planning my annual project with the Littles. So next year our project will entail learning how to change the oil in a car and replacing flat tires.

Stay tuned. ๐Ÿ˜€

*I stand corrected. Since the rough draft of this blog was written, I was reminded that, due to the increasing size of our extended family, the gathering this year would take place at a local church.

Where all the toilets were in working order.

TMI???

Nothing like starting off Monday by navigating naked on all fours through the kitchen trying to find the drain stopper that mysteriously vanished from the edge of the tub–of course this discovery was only made after I was running the water into the bathtub and about to climb in.

Earlier in the day I accidentally made a trash bag out of an empty bag that still had residual catnip inside it from a recently acquired cat toy.

The end result was Little Boy Kitty tearing into said bag of trash, pulling out the contents and then running from the scene of the crime.

We have our hands full. ๐Ÿ˜›

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*In case you wondered why the blog was late today. I was trying to photograph something with my built in camera when Riley decided he wanted a picture of his bum.ย  #HesSuchABoy ๐Ÿ˜›

Dear Riley: Episode 2…..

Dear Riley, while your dad and I really appreciate your ability to capture and kill all sorts of bugs that enter the house by mistake, we’d very much appreciate it if you didn’t leave the dead carcasses strewn all over the kitchen floor.

Seriously, there are better ways to get mommy to mop the floor.

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Here our littlest furry weirdo mugs for the camera. No worries, the photo was staged and he never actually consumed any caffeine. ๐Ÿ˜‰