The One Where Lulabelle Finds Out Fortune Telling is an Inadvisable Career Move……(Predictions from 2018)

Happy 2019!! For my first post of the new year, I thought I’d look back on my predictions for this year that I made in 2018 and see how well I was able to correct predict what was gonna go down in 2018.

Yeah, this is gonna be disappointing. I think I’ll stick to blogging. 😛

“Trump will say or tweet something controversial”: Honestly this was a lock. Like the free space on a BINGO board. 

“I will drink at least one glass of wine (Yeah, by the way, some of these are going to be no-brainers. 😉 Buckle up.)” I did not disappoint 2018 in the alcohol department. Bottoms up. 😉 

“I will have mastered the art of red lipstick (In case anyone thought my Miranda Sings Halloween costume was as good as it was going to get.)” I did. And also added to my weird lipstick color collection light blue, dark green, dark blue that almost looks black, dark purple and I made my own yellow (that kinda sucks and doesn’t look yellow at all on my lips). I also made an Instagram account devoted to my love of weird lipstick shades. You can check it out here: https://www.instagram.com/thereallulabelle/

“Joe Biden will announce his plans to run for president in 2020 (I have mixed feelings within my body about this one, but there it is.)” So while I thought I was wrong on this one, the mainstream media is now reporting that Biden will announce whether or not he’ll run in 2 weeks. Stay tuned. 

“Tonya Harding will be reinstated into the US Figure Skating Association (Honestly it just makes sense. As time passes, it seems as though she really did have nothing to do with the attack on Nancy Kerrigan.)” She was not. 

“Oreo will debut a new flavor” They did. About 50. (This is an exaggeration as I’m too lazy to look up the actual number, but I know it’s more than one 😛 ) 

 

Happy New Year!!

PS: Chad and I would like to thank the anonymous (because he can’t remember who it was) cab passenger who gifted us with a tupperware of chocolate where I thought at first it was a block of chocolate and I was already on board. So when I got it out of the freezer last night, I was shocked to find it had strawberries in it and chocolate cake. At the time we weren’t sure what it was, but it was delicious.

Now we are 90% sure it was some sort of tiramisu with pudding and strawberries on top.

YUM!! 

 

 

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Why 39 is the New 80……….

In October we celebrate my birth month!! And in my 39th year we are starting out strong and our body is ROCKIN’…….and literally crumbling like a wedding cake immediately frosted after coming out of the oven.

Seriously. No joke.

I’m currently nursing a skin ulcer on my hip. If you aren’t familiar with what an ulcer is, let me break it down for you. It currently looks like there is a bullet hole on my hip.

Yes, you heard that right.

And the doctor can’t figure out where it came from ( yes mom, I did get it cultured and am waiting with anticipation for the results 😉 UPDATE: Results came yesterday and I tested positive for not one but TWO different types of bacteria. Ah, I love being an over-achiever 😛 ).

It started as a red mark on my hip and after a few weeks of daily Epsom salt baths and manuka honey patches, it finally came to a head and a mess of crap fell out.

And left a hollow hole in my hip.

Pretty unsettling to look down and see a hole in your hip, but there you go. Thankfully I have a great team of doctors advising me on treatment and it’s slowly gotten better. I even consulted a nutritionist and have since been chugging one BOOST nutritional drink per day.

You know BOOST, the stuff your great-aunt Bippy drinks to supplement her diet. Yep. Not only does it supplement nutrition, but apparently it’s been shown to heal skin ulcer’s quickly.

(Sidenote: I recommend the strawberry. It’s delicious.)

I’ve also been regularly soaking in Epsom salt to relieve pain.

I’m literally seconds away from going into the home. Apparently.

It’s probably about time I brushed up on my shuffleboard skills.

birthday blog meme

Cheers! 😛 

Steemit Exclusive: Sound Bites From My Childhood…

The following story from my childhood was originally shared on my Steemit account.

I’ve wanted to upload this story sooner than today, but our oldest cat has been sick and after a trip to the vet yesterday it was determined she needs dental surgery. So it’s gonna be a fun next couple weeks up in here.

*The name of the main character in the story below has been changed to protect his privacy and dignity.

Although I was in kindergarten more than 30 years ago, I still very vividly remember this next story. My class was small and one of the kids in my class was named *Fredrick.

On the outside, there wasn’t anything extraordinary about Fredrick, but while we were in kindergarten he was going through an interesting developmental phase…..

He bit people.

Specifically me.

I can’t recall if I was his only victim or if he had others on his munchy list, but I do remember several instances where my arm and his teeth connected. Of course, I told my teacher about this and she made sure that we no longer sat next to each other.

But Fredrick still found a way. I remember one day in particular when I was several kids away from him in the reading circle. Unfortunately, I was sitting next to one of his criminal associates (no doubt part of some sort of kindergarten biting mafia) and they grabbed my arm and stretched it out so that it would make easy contact with his teeth.

This incident prompted a call to Fredrick’s parents and a few days later I got a letter in the mail (this was way before email was a thing) along with a small stuffed bear. The letter was a formal apology from Fredrick.

The biting stopped after this letter was sent. I found out later that in addition to the apology letter/teddy bear, Fredrick’s mom took him to the library (back in the day these were building where you could go and take out books to read for free) and had him look up the word “cannibalism.”

I’ve since tasked mom’s I’m living vicariously through to do this if their little one has a biting phase. 😛

Fast forward 10 years. I was going to a high school that had weekly assemblies. These assemblies had assigned seating that would change every semester. My senior year I looked at the new assembly seating chart and who was I assigned to sit by?

FREDRICK!

I guess this is what happens when you live in a small town and need to fill an assembly hall with assigned seating.

Thankfully, Fredrick kept his teeth to himself during the semester and I emerged bite free at graduation.

So take heart, parents of tiny cannibals, most likely your child will grow out of craving human flesh.

And if not, at least he’ll become an awesome apology note writer. 😉

Cheers! 

Steemit Exclusive: The Dangers of Getting Dressed in the Dark…..

Growing up in the midwest, there is a certain time of year, namely winter, where you get up before the sun and have to leave for work or school before the sun is up. When I was in high school, I had to ride to school with my mom who was a teacher at the high school I attended. This meant that there were plenty of days that I’d have to get dressed in the dark.

Fortunately, I was still able to look as presentable as you’d imagine for someone who went to high school in the late 90’s, knee-deep in the grunge style scene.

There was one slight drawback for getting dressed in the dark. And I never figured it out till it was almost too late.

I suppose it was my own fault. See, I had a habit of wearing the same pair of jeans more than once in a week. Normally, I’d wear the same pair on consecutive days. But back then I also had a bad habit of not shaking out my pants before putting them back on.

I blamed this on how early I had to wake in the morning.

It wasn’t until I was already at school, waiting for class to start, when all my friends were around, that I would make a grim discovery. I’d find a strange bulge in my lower pant leg. Now, because of my leg brace, I didn’t feel anything weird, it was only when I went to pull my legs to my chest when I was sitting down that I’d feel the strange bulge.

But what was it?

In a word, it was, um…….underwear. Dirty underwear to be exact.

Yeah, turns out I hadn’t shaken out my underwear from my jeans from the day before and they were now stuck in my pant leg.

At school.

In front of my friends.

Ladies and gentlemen, this would be the alternative dream to the one where you arrive at school naked.

So how did I retain my dignity and not let slip (pun intended) my mistake in getting dressed that morning? By a slow and sneaky sleight of hand maneuver. I’d put my hand over the bulge in my leg and begin rubbing it up and down like I had an itch….slowly working the offending garment down my pant leg and out through the leg hole. I’d scrunch it into a tight ball in my fist and hold it tight while I made a sort of “walk of shame” to my mom’s classroom where I’d hand it off to here and she’d put it in her desk. The thought never occurred to me to put it in my locker. I guess I figured it’d be more likely to fall out when I opened my locker and then I’d really give everyone something to talk about.

In a school of no less than 200 students, a tale of runaway underwear would have spread as fast as the tickets sell out for a Taylor Swift concert.

Now you’d think that perhaps this only had to happen once for me to remember to shake out my jeans when I took them off.

You’d be wrong.

Even 20 years later I can remember this happening no less than 3 times.

So why did I include this story? Well, you see, I got dressed in the dark this morning and am now writing this entry in an isolated corner of the grocery store.

With a balled up pair of dirty underwear in my fist.

Some people never learn. 

Cheers! 

Snippety-Do-Da! How One Man Engaged in Textual Relations During His Vasectomy…………

The following very true story was originally shared on my Steemit account


Bloggers Note: Yes, the subject of this blog has been contacted and consent has been given to share the following story. Also, I wrote this and planned to upload it earlier this month during International Childfree Day (August 1st), a holiday that celebrates those without children, but life and a much-needed vacation took priority.

Years ago before Chad and I got married, we had the conversation about whether or not we’d have children. At the time we decided that we’d try to adopt. For complicated reasons, most birth control is a tricky situation for me, so we concluded that Chad would get a vasectomy.

Yep. That’s where this blog is going today. Strap in.

So Chad’s procedure was going to be outpatient and on the morning of his surgery I had to work, it was early in the AM, we were not living together at the time and I can’t drive, so it didn’t make sense for me to go with him. Otherwise, I totally would have. Besides, if I had gone, I wouldn’t have been able to write about this.

You’re welcome.

Anyway, our story begins early on the morning of Chad’s procedure. I’m sleeping in bed and get the following text message from Chad:

“Just arrived at the Dr.’s office and am checking in.” At this point, I was glad the procedure was about to begin and began praying for a smooth operation.

About 10 minutes later I get another text from Chad…….

“It’s so weird to not feel a thing but there is the smell of burning flesh in the room.”

It was at this point that I realized, “HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, HE’S TEXTING ME THROUGH HIS ENTIRE VASECTOMY PROCEDURE!”

And he did.

Every NSFW detail.

Which is strange, unsettling and annoyingly entertaining before 7:30 am. I just didn’t know how to respond.

It’s not like I could have called him to have a casual chat. “Hey babe, how’s it hangin’?” seemed a tad inappropriate.

Also, I would think that any sudden loud noises might startle the surgeon and suddenly you owe money for a vasectomy and bonus circumcision.

The procedure went off without a hitch, and Chad was fully recovered a few days after coming home thanks to a steady diet of pain meds and frozen peas.

So why did we choose to share this story? Two reasons, really. One, it’s just a really funny story And two, we wanted to highlight our experience and mention that in the lead up to the procedure, although our doctor asked several times just to be sure, we were never denied the surgery because the doctor believed strongly that we’d “change our minds.”

I often wonder if we didn’t receive much blowback because it was Chad asking for the procedure and not me. Because being submerged in the childless world for the last few years, I’ve come across so many stories of women who know they don’t want to give birth and having blowback from doctors that they will probably “change their minds later.” Even when the person wanting the procedure is able to pay for it out of pocket.

And I never knew how important the freedom of choice was in this aspect of our lives until we went through our experience. To know what we want beyond a shadow of a doubt and have others believe and back us up.

For that, we are truly grateful and hope others experience the same thing…..

Minus the live stream. 😉

STEEMIT Exclusive: What Happens When I Try To Eat Healthy…….

I’m SO tired today because I was up till 1:30 this morning.  Why? Riley caught a mouse and brought it into the bedroom. Then put it under the bed. I texted Chad the following, “The mouse is now under the bed. I want to move to Florida.” Now, of course, I realize that Florida would be a poor choice because they have gators, but at the time I was not thinking clearly. I was having a real, “Jesus Take the Wheel” moment. 

Because there is was a mouse under our bed. 

To read my full terrifying account, click the link below: 

https://steemit.com/humor/@lulabelle/what-happens-when-i-try-to-eat-healthy

PS: Obviously after the original entry was written, I screwed up my courage, turned on my flashlight and made my way to the bedroom for a rather fitful night of sleep.

And yes, I have since successfully pooped. The ice cream will have to wait till later though. 😉 

Achievement Unlocked…….

Tonight I accomplished something that I never knew could happen.

Like ever. 

I got…….um, let me just back up.

Before going to bed, I went into our bedroom and as sometimes happens, I smelled cat urine. So I followed my nose to the space in between our two dresser drawers. There was a random large trash bag sitting on the carpet and I realized that’s where the smell was coming from. 

So as Chad played “Words With Friends” on his phone before bed, I got down on the floor and went to pick up the bag. Thankfully I saw it glisten and I realized it had cat pee on it. Moving slowly to contain it, I folded up the edges of the bag and carefully lifted the bag off the ground. 

Why I decided to lift the bag over my head, I will never know. But I did and quickly regretted my life choice. 

As I felt cat piss drip on to my leg and onto the ENDS OF MY HAIR!!!

BLEEEEEECH!! 

Unfortunately, I had also just washed my hair and wasn’t so keen on doing it again, so in a strange way, I was thankful it was just the ends of my hair that bore the brunt of the accidental baptism by pee. 

So not only did I need to clean up the carpet, I now needed to wash the ends of my hair to get the smell out. 

Unfortunately, I used the shampoo that was nearest the sink and this specific shampoo (which will remain nameless because we are still playing “financial catch-up” from a slow summer to the point where adding a lawsuit into the mix would result in having us move across several state lines in the dead of night, assume new names, and start another life where Chad drove cattle while I whittled artisan corn cob holders for monks) has top notes of essence that are reminiscent of what I just rinsed out of my hair!  

So that was my Monday! I just can’t wait for what the rest of the week will bring! 😛 

#Sarcasm 😉