*The History of Phlegm…….

Three afternoons ago I admitted defeat.

I have the flu. 😦

Yeah. Last week I felt a little funny but decided it was just a change in weather. Nope.

Here is the current situation:

Not only is my nose stuffed up and running (How exactly is that possible? Beats me. I didn’t go to medical school), but I have body aches, chills, and a sinus headache.

It’s strange to be sick when you work from home. On the one hand, you don’t feel well and just want to stay in bed. On the other hand, you are literally just going into the other room and working for a few hours until you can get back to bed and rest.

While wearing only underwear or PJ’s.

I’m in that wonderful stage of sickness when you can’t breathe, you can’t remember the last time you were able to breathe, and you aren’t sure when you will ever. breathe. again. So how did I get sick without ever leaving the house? Well…..Let’s just say there were consensual adult activities happening and…..

I regret nothing and I’d do it again in a heartbeat. 😛 😉

In my defense, at the time of our “activities,” Chad was on an antibiotic so I had assumed he was good to go.

And just like that meme where Morgan Freeman narrates the reality of your life, the following conversation took place in my head,

Me (poor, stupid, unsuspecting me):”We can totally do this without me getting sick. Chad’s healed and everything will be fine.”

Morgan Freeman (The Voice of Reason–and God in at least two movies): “Everything was in fact NOT going to be fine.”

So for the last two days, I’ve been on a steady diet of Sprite (I’m on my 2nd 2-liter), orange Gatorade, peanut butter and cold medicine. The peanut butter is unrelated to my healing process, but rather was a Valentine’s Day gift from Chad that sounded good after I got sick. I’ve been trying to DIY solutions to hopefully kick this thing out of my body faster and the results have been mixed.

My DIY’s so far have included coating most of my body in Vick’s before going to sleep (Ears, chest, throat, soles of feet, nose, and face) and yesterday I even tried to smoke it out with ghost pepper hot sauce on my leftover pizza.

But not before asking Chad if we had ER money.

He didn’t say, so I did it anyway and as you might have guessed, it didn’t quite work. In the next day or so I’m planning on indulging in wasabi. Stay tuned.

I may even throw in a recipe for a cough syrup smoothie since a steady cough has developed as of this morning. #Bonus.

By the way, have you ever tried to use voice dictation on your phone or GPS when you have a severely stuffed up nose? Yeah. When your phone is older than dirt and on its last legs, and on top of that your nose is stuffed up, using the voice dictation feature is like trying to nail jello to the wall. Except it’s less slimy, but it still doesn’t work.

Also, if you live in the Midwest, be prepared to sound like you were an extra in the movie Fargo as the phlegm in your throat and stuffed up nose combine to deliver a delightful symphony of Midwestern dictation.

Update (2-22-18)……

Thankfully with this steady diet of flu meds, Sprite, Gatorade, peanut butter and leftovers, today I finally took a turn for the better. My teeth, however, are probably starting to sprout cavities from all the extra sugar from my flu remedy DIYs. 

Oops!? 😀

PS: Oh, and regarding the photo of me above? I just realized it looks like I was able to take one piece of kleenex and thread it through my nose. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but those are separate pieces of kleenex. I did, however, go to college with a guy who had an extra nostril. He showed us all once, but I was too chicken to look. 😛

*aka-how to clickbait your audience into reading your blog. Or, “How to Lose Subscribers in 3 Second Flat” 😉 

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Blogging When Sick: Don’t Try This At Home, Kids!

The truth about being an adult is that it’s inevitable that the week you have the most things to do, that is when your body says, “Bwhaha! I don’t think so, sucker!,” and decides to attack itself and force you to sleep, drink your weight in fluids, pop vitamin C like it’s some sort of illicit drug, and eat so much fruit that you start to sprout a teeny tiny fruit hat on the top of your head, reminiscent of Carmen Miranda. 

The actual Carmen Miranda wasn’t available at press time. Fortunately, this cat was. 

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The upside is that I get to smear mentholated stuff on my chest and neck, which has always given me a weird thrill of excitement. That reminds me, it’s time to reapply. Excuse me…..

Your sickness causes you to cancel an important appointment, and you only hope and pray you are well enough to attend the social event of the year where there will be chocolate-covered Oreos and a selection of grilled meats. Seriously, it’s a can’t-miss event. 

Honestly, I blame our oldest cat. See, a few days ago I was having a great dream when all-of-a-sudden I woke up, the cat is standing over me, and my nose and cheeks were wet. She had unashamedly sneezed in my face.

I went back to sleep and woke up later feeling fine. The kitty germs didn’t sink into my body for another couple of days. It happened when we were in the middle of a wedding out-of-state. It was during the reception that I started feeling not so great. Fatigue and sore throat. But there was cake to eat, so we had to stay. 😉 I eventually found my way to the wine selections, drank a glass of red, and felt better. At least my sore throat was soothed. Which leads me to a sickness life hack: When you have a sore throat and are out of cough syrup, a small glass of wine will do the same thing (don’t drink and drive, kids 😉 ). 

So I’m trying to kick this thing out of my body by Friday. Think I can do it? What do you do to make yourself feel better when you are sick?? Let me know in the comments below! 

Cheers! 

*Carmen Miranda cat appears courtesy of Pinterest