The One Where Lulabelle Reconsiders Hygiene Rules She’s Followed Since Childhood…….

Well that lasted 9 months. Almost 9 months to the exact day. But today I had to do a reset of sorts.

Guys, I have to reset my vomit clock.


And to add insult to injury I was doing something you are taught in childhood to do several times a day to stay healthy.

I was brushing my teeth.


Let me repeat that.

I threw up because I was BRUSHING. MY. TEETH.

Now to ensure my breath is fresh, I brush over my tongue. I’ve down this for years. But today for some reason when I brushed my tongue my body decided it wanted to be reminded of what I had for breakfast.

In reverse.

Now I can probably pin-point the reason why this happened if I think back to how heavy-handed I can be with brushing my teeth. I once went to the dentist for a toothache and was told that it was gum inflammation caused by flossing my teeth too hard. He literally ordered me to STOP FLOSSING MY TEETH FOR A FEW DAYS.

True story! I mean WHO DOES THAT? 

Me, apparently. 😛 

So if you are keeping track, so far in the last 9 months the following things I used to partake in to keep myself healthy, I am now hesitant to ever do again in life: 

1. Take generic fish oil gel capsules that are the same size as the woman’s multivitamin I used to consume. 

2. The aforementioned woman’s multi-vitamin whose size had been labeled a “horse” pill. Why we are comparing vitamin size to a pill a horse takes is beyond me. I am not a horse so I shouldn’t have to digest something that is normally shoved up a horse’s nether regions. (I’m sure it’s probably taken orally, but surely sometimes this happens? Yes? Moving on…..) 

3. Brushing my teeth. Now I appreciate and love the feelings of slick, clean teeth on my tongue as much as the next guy, but when you see your breakfast in reverse after such an activity, you begin to think that maybe it’s not that big of a deal if your teeth get fuzzy and your breath becomes so foul that it could bring dragons back to life. 

I’ve always wanted a dragon.

And to be honest it would be quite useful at this point in my life. 😛 

So apparently what we have learned from all this is that growing older has some unintended consequences that I’m glad I didn’t know beforehand. 

I just hope the next time I brush my hair, it doesn’t fall out. 

Fingers crossed. 

It is a scientific fact that I’ve never once barfed after eating licorice. This is not my fault. It’s science. 


Back to the Future: This One Time At Denny’s…

Last night my husband and I went to our favorite greasy-spoon to celebrate his birthday. Yes, I realize I talked about going out to dinner earlier this week, but in our house, we celebrate a person’s birthday all month with different surprises and gatherings. So last night we stopped in at Denny’s.

Midway through our meal, I saw her. An older woman in her 80’s with expertly styled white hair and a smiling twinkle in her eye. She reminded me of Trixie from The Honeymooners. I had seen her before. Twice. She is always with a handsome man, who reminds me of my late uncle Paul.

Let me rewind and tell you the story from the beginning. About 6 years ago, I was visiting my now husband when we stopped in at Denny’s (Hey, it’s cheap and has decent food depending on your order, don’t judge 😉 ). We were seated at a booth facing the restaurant when we saw them. An older couple consisting of a handsome gentleman that looked like my uncle Paul, and a woman that could have been a dead ringer for an older Audrey Meadows from Honeymooners fame. What struck us about them is that they were behaving like they were on their first date; cuddling in the booth, giggling and absolutely glowing! I whispered to Chad, “look honey, it’s us in 50 years!” We waved them over and remarked that we hoped we were that happy after 50 years of marriage. Then they said, “Oh, we aren’t married. We are on our first date!” Instantly, their charm factor shot through the roof. In that moment, Chad and I decided this couple was who we wanted to emulate. To still act like newlyweds after being together for many years.

So fast forward to last night. As we were about to leave, I turned around and there she was. Same hair, same twinkle. And he wasn’t far behind. I had Chad turn around and look. He called them both over to our table. We talked for several minutes about what we had been up to since the last time we saw them. I talked to the woman and honestly I couldn’t stop staring at her. I couldn’t help but notice a few things; 1. She had neon pink glittery clips in her hair. I love anything bright and glittery. 2. Her nails were pink and green like a watermelon. When I go to parties where watermelon is served, there’s little to no chance that others will be able to eat it–because as soon as it’s set in front of me, it’s gone. Yes, I’m obsessed with watermelon. 3. The last thing I noticed was her sweatshirt. It was a plain grey sweatshirt, emblazoned with a white kitten with blue eyes. I swear it was like I had fallen down the same rabbit hole as Alice from Alice in Wonderland.

Ladies and gentlemen, I was looking at myself from the future!! Not only from her appearance, but she even shared with me that she struggles with anxiety. It was a surreal experience.

All too soon it was over. As we climbed out of the rabbit hole and made our way home, we talked about how similar the couple was from us. It was like God was showing us the future and it sparkled.

I still didn’t figure out if the Cubs will make it to a World Series by the time I’m 80, but hey, a girl can dream 😉