When The Cheerleader Has Lost Her Pep…….

First things first: You know those weird people that can’t wait until after Thanksgiving and decorate for Christmas in early November? Yeah. As of this year I am one of those people. I literally needed some peace on Earth after the election. I may also be rocking out to Christmas music already. I recommend this one: https://sidewalk-prophets.myshopify.com/products/merry-christmas-to-you-cd

I even brought these festive pajama pants out of hibernation.


I also spent some time with a good friend of mine. We were both election weary, so we met together for lunch and then wanted to watch a no thinking, fluff movie to get our minds off of things.

We chose Ocean’s 11. A movie that is about a power hungry casino owner who’ll stop at nothing to go after anyone that steals from him…….

Yeah. We didn’t quite think that one through. 😛

Now let’s get on to the topic of the day……

Next month on December 25th, it will be 2 years since Chad and I began our childless journey (merry freakin’ Christmas 😛 ). And it hasn’t always been easy. But we’ve been able to move on with our lives and find hope and purpose.

And I’ve been able to encourage others in our childless community who are just beginning their journeys and are grieving and raw. I remember being there.

I was there again last week.

Sunday morning began for us completely normal. We went to church and I volunteered in the nursery. I really enjoy it. I get my baby fix while helping parents enjoy the church service.

But by the end of service last Sunday I was near tears. It had randomly hit me again that I’d never experience the joy of seeing my child run to me when I picked them up from the nursery.

I was so devastated that I was unable to hold my niece later that afternoon.

And I’ve never been able to not hold a baby. 😦

A couple days later I burst into tears during a diaper commercial. (Sidenote: Dear Hulu, bringing back the “swap ad” feature would eliminate this trigger. 😉 )

So to sum up, I had a “bad baby week.” It was the worst one I had experienced in years and  caught me completely off guard.

And even this morning I was watching a video on YouTube of a baby baptism and I couldn’t finish it.

GAH! I guess it was shortsighted of me to think that I’d be completely OK 2 years later.

This whole childlessness thing is weird. You can be fine 99.9% of the time, but that .1% hits you without notice and it hits HARD. I wonder if this will get worse with age? Oh boy!

I’ve always been a “glass half full”gal. Always looking on the bright side, especially with being childless, but lately I’ve realized lots of people around my age are having kids and therefore having experiences that I can’t relate to. And I feel behind.

But then I’m reminded that adopting a kid because all your friends have one is a terrible reason to adopt.

It’s very strange to be in this position, as I’ve been a positive voice in my local community of childless couples, encouraging all of them that you can still have hope and a purpose while living childless.

But now I am in need of encouragement myself. And it’s a weird position to be in. I most likely took my positive attitude for granted. And now that it’s gone, I don’t know what to do.

I have an ache in my soul and I don’t know what to do next.

And this just plain sucks. And I have no idea how long this funk will last.

Dear reader, if you are also struggling with childlessness, however long your journey has been, you are not alone and I am praying for you.

You have a purpose. You matter. You are loved.


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